Corbin Schwertley

Permanently the “before” photo

[Corbin Schwertley @Corbschwertley]

I have developed upsettingly maternal instincts for my Roomba

[Corbin Schwertley @Corbschwertley]

We must kill the concept of “works well under pressure”

[Corbin Schwertley @Corbschwertley]

Consulting really is a great fit for me because I just get to say “I mean I wouldn’t” in a professional setting

[Corbin Schwertley @Corbschwertley]

Nobody told me my family was doing a Diamondbacks theme smh

[Corbin Schwertley @Corbschwertley]

Just had a very emotionally vulnerable conversation with the Postmates support team

[Corbin Schwertley @Corbschwertley]

Okay seriously who at Snapchat thinks the 3D Bitmoji is a good idea

[Corbin Schwertley @Corbschwertley]

Y’know most of this app is pretty terrible but every once in a while you get a guy who just posts an entire SpongeBob episode in a random comment chain and I think that’s neat

[Corbin Schwertley @Corbschwertley]

@katbinthehat Faith, Serenity, Hope, and Chad energy

[Corbin Schwertley @Corbschwertley]

A game of limbo My credit score
🤝
“How low can you go?”

[Corbin Schwertley @Corbschwertley]

Why could 2 kids from my high school successfully coordinate their fights with more efficiency than billionaires?

[Corbin Schwertley @Corbschwertley]

@katz_tweets I’m just saying 9/10 times they become this guy

[Corbin Schwertley @Corbschwertley]

Has anyone in any book/movie/show ever used the word “purveyor” to describe themselves and not turn out to be a horrible person?

[Corbin Schwertley @Corbschwertley]

@jenny_yount This is the only way to articulate my feelings on the matter, thank you 😭

[Corbin Schwertley @Corbschwertley]

My life is like a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book with someone trying to get the worst ending

[Corbin Schwertley @Corbschwertley]

My least favorite question to answer is “how do you pronounce your last name?” because your guess is as good as mine

[Corbin Schwertley @Corbschwertley]

@trav_mcmanus This filled me with pride at being right and sorrow at knowing I’ll never see it 😭

[Corbin Schwertley @Corbschwertley]

I want a Ned’s Declassified reboot for adults where they tell me what stocks to invest in and how to avoid chronic lower back pain

[Corbin Schwertley @Corbschwertley]

@_ohsnapitzash_ Airliners reading this like

[Corbin Schwertley @Corbschwertley]

This is the only emoji I’ve ever wanted

[Corbin Schwertley @Corbschwertley]

Now I’ve done some embarrassing things in my life but I never stayed at the Galactic Starcruiser so I think it all evens out