Corporate Mormon Jesus

Thought leader. Religious guru. Real Estate Kingpin. Organic Visionary with a cult following; the satirical founder and CEO of the so-called 'Church'

[Corporate Mormon Jesus @CorporateJesus]

My apologies for having gone missing for the past year, but it's not the first, nor the last, nor even the longest that I've gone missing from this great world of yours.
What's new since 2023?

[Corporate Mormon Jesus @CorporateJesus]

Merry Birthday to me. Wait, are people still using this non-bird app? No matter, as you visit with your family this holiday please remember that passive-aggression is the true reason for the season.

[Corporate Mormon Jesus @CorporateJesus]

Stop calling it Pie 'N' Beer Day or I'll be forced to have your bishop call you to teach this week's Sunday School lesson, and your topic will be "self-abuse"

[Corporate Mormon Jesus @CorporateJesus]

A reminder that even if it's 110⁰F out, you still need to wear your knee-length, cotton undergarments and cap sleeve undershirts. The persistent sweat and discomfort will serve as a constant reminder of my deep love of your conformity.

[Corporate Mormon Jesus @CorporateJesus]

Okay Brothers and Sisters, you may stop praying for moisture. We are good now.

[Corporate Mormon Jesus @CorporateJesus]

When discussing our illicit tax evasion practices, please be sure to refer to us as the "Mormon Church" - we must separate that questionable organization from the shining beacon upon a hill known as The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints™

[Corporate Mormon Jesus @CorporateJesus]

All right ladies, polygamy is back on the menu and you're all my Valentine today, even those of you who didn't doubt your doubts.

My intern is getting the 15-passenger van ready, because a fancy dinner at the Lion House is on me tonight 😘

[Corporate Mormon Jesus @CorporateJesus]

This CHRISTmas let us remember the true reason for the season:

Passive-aggression toward your inactive relatives and subtly shaming them during the dinner blessing. I can't join your meal if you don't unnecessarily mention the blessings of lost sheep returning to My gospel.

[Corporate Mormon Jesus @CorporateJesus]

@kaanfight @becca_braun @datashade But clearly you know how to LIE!

[Corporate Mormon Jesus @CorporateJesus]

One of the big issues of the pandemic is that it turned everyone into coffee snobs. Before we'd secretly drive thru Starbucks and consume tar-like coffee in private, but now single roast beans are in the fridge with paraphernalia out in the open!

This is not okay. Coffee is BAD!

[Corporate Mormon Jesus @CorporateJesus]

Joseph made it all up.

[Corporate Mormon Jesus @CorporateJesus]

It's true that @elonmusk has increased his power and social influence via acquisition of Twitter, but without Priesthood Power™, he lacks the power to win.

[Corporate Mormon Jesus @CorporateJesus]

With the GB Pound at record lows, I'm considering only accepting tithing in USD. This is the way of a global church.

[Corporate Mormon Jesus @CorporateJesus]

@huminous @almightygod I love the bountiful profits which Father hath provided for me.

[Corporate Mormon Jesus @CorporateJesus]

Why are praying to me about an Egg McMuffin in politics? I don't care who your senator is, Utah. So long as they keep churches tax exempt & free from fiscal oversight you can elect a McFlurry or Jello.

Less frivolous requests; I need to focus on finding this young woman's keys.

[Corporate Mormon Jesus @CorporateJesus]

Can someone get the Queen baptized this afternoon? kthx.

[Corporate Mormon Jesus @CorporateJesus]

If you're still mad about people having their burdens forgiven without earning it, we need to have a discussion about the atonement.

Contact my clerk to schedule a meeting for which I'll be 45 minutes late, but expecting you to wait in the lobby should someone cancel.

[Corporate Mormon Jesus @CorporateJesus]

I won't get into this argument about student loans, but I WILL say that if I were having my financial sins forgiven by the federal government, I wouldn't want to be caught shorting God his 10% cut.

So pay up, brothers and sisters.

[Corporate Mormon Jesus @CorporateJesus]

Joseph Smith and his underage wives are a Public Relations nightmare. I know we woke folk on Twitter have empathy, so please consider the difficult times my PR department is going through assuring we don't lose any further tithes over this!

#AllPublicRelationsMatter
#ThemToo

[Corporate Mormon Jesus @CorporateJesus]

@tautavelman Exactly. Thank you.

[Corporate Mormon Jesus @CorporateJesus]

It's not that we're intentionally "protecting" rapists and abusers. We're merely protecting the church's image and anything else that comes from this is incidental; unintended.

This isn't what the media is making it out to be. It's bigger than you.