Chrissy

[Natali Simmonds @NJSimmondsbooks]

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked "Where did you come from? Where did you go?"

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣

[Jim Cognito @JimCognito2016]

@liamgallagher Dynamic pricing mate, if you want them back, they're now £1500.

[David Curran @iamreddave]

Rihanna: Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world

Me: I know just the place

[Caitlin Moran @caitlinmoran]

When you come up with the perfect response ...

[SHANE REACTION @imshanereaction]

When you've got to announce the election results at 9 and perform When Doves Cry at 10.

[Chrissy @Crowzone]

@aaron_aaronson1 I wouldn't mind seeing Dominic Raab shedding a tear either. Flared nostrils inhaling defeat to dilute the pure evil.

[David__Osland @David__Osland]

Tesco profits up 159% to £2.3bn. In other words, Britain's biggest supermarket chain used the cost of living crisis as a pretext for blatant profiteering.

[Fiona Small @FionaSmall]

The Kate Middleton conspiracy theories is a good reminder of how mad the Princess Diana Memorial Group on Facebook is

[Oscaaargh @SkeletonOscar]

Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.

[Erica Buist @ericabuist]

Did a wolf write this

[No Context Brits @NoContextBrits]

I said maybeeeee…

[Naomi Klein @NaomiAKlein]

Of course Russell Brand's followers deny the allegations. He has groomed an audience to deny/disbelieve everything they see and hear, which is very different from healthy skepticism. This knee-jerk denialism is precisely why people with plenty of skeletons in the closet love conspiracy culture: they have a built-in defense against accountability. It's all a conspiracy, always. I have met Brand, been on his show (years ago). It took a hell of a lot of courage for these women to come forward. They have all my solidarity.

[Man vs Baby @mattcoyney]

One thing nobody tells you about being a parent is that you’re permanently on edge. Just heard my kid say ‘oopsydaisy’ from another room and I don’t know whether that means he’s dropped a biscuit or the house is on fire.

[Oz Katerji @OzKaterji]

People keep changing Les Dennis’ Wikipedia to claim that he’s actually a horse, so they’ve locked the page for vandalism.

[cants @cantseyy]

I hope he does Candle in the wind and works a verse in about camilla being a slut

[Man vs Baby @mattcoyney]

Shout out to everybody who is not at #Glastonbury but has, in solidarity, been drinking all weekend.

[Stephanie Cowley-Peirce @stephCP1975]

The sign language lady on #Glastonbury23 for the Foo Fighters is amazing.

[Will Duggan @Willduggan]

Crowning a monarch is like making love to a beautiful woman.