Me: “Dude. It’s a good rule of thumb to never smell ANYONE’S finger if they ask you to. Especially your brother’s.”
11yo: “A good rule of finger, then?”
Me: *mumbles to self*
“Should have seen that coming.”
10 y/o daughter: *deep sighs*
Me: What’s up kiddo?
Her: Do you ever just feel like you are doing *everything* for *everyone* and you *still* stub your toe on the dog bowl?
Who’s gonna tell her?
To my 10yo twins: Why do you guys bicker so much!?
Them: We’re twins.
Me: Say more.
Them: Being a twin is like being in an escape room, but from before you were born and you actually can’t get out ever.
Me: …
Them (to each other): Want to trade breakfasts? … Sure.
9 y/o son:
I don’t really like how ladies show their boob cracks.
Me (glancing down quickly) : Why is that?
9 y/o son:
I don’t know. It’s weird.
Like putting a butt crack on your chest.
9yo : Dad! Mom found me a cool old virgin baseball jersey at the thrift shop!
Husband: … an old virgin baseball jersey?
9yo: Yeah! It’s from 2006!
Husband: A VINTAGE baseball jersey?
9yo: whatever…
My 9 y/o daughter walked through the back door:
“Hey sis, I thought you were outside playing with the boys…”
“I was.” She sighed
“But they were just throwing dirt at other dirt and it felt kind of dumb.”
Do I tell her…?
Kids: “Mom! Can you PLEASE go to the grocery store today?! We have NOTHING to eat!”
Narrator: Their mother had, dear reader, been to the market nearly every day that week…
To my 7yo twins:
“Did you guys remember to hang up your wet towels?”
Daughter: “Yes, but I had to remind my brother and the only way I could get him to listen was by making my butthole talk.”
Talking about family roles with my 9yo twins:
Daughter: The Mom has the most important role… she has to give birth!
Son: Yeah? Well the Dad has to caramelize the eggs!
We may need to watch fewer cooking shows…
I graduated college, have run a multi-million dollar business and am raising two human beings, and the thing I continue to not be able to figure out is how to get my phone to stop playing some random song I downloaded to iTunes in 2003 every time I turn on my flipping car.
At a shop, grabbing a b-day card for a friend my 9yo audibly (to a 5 mile radius) gasps:
“Greeting cards are WAY too expensive for something that is just a piece of paper with words on it!”
Which is ballsy coming from a kid who lives in a house paid for by greeting card sales…
My 9yo told me that she has to sit at a special table at lunch.
“Like, with a teacher? Or by yourself?”
“No teacher, just me + a few other kids who are not popular, sporty or into video games.”
“So… your friends?”
“Yeah!” She said “we like to preserve one just for us.”
Me: I don’t think the dog feels good. Did he eat something funny?
Kids: (shrug)
Dog: *barrrrf
Kids: What!? All we gave him was pepperoni, whipped cream and some gluten free pretzels…
9yo daughter:
It seems like it would be hard to make real friends if you were the President.
Me: Yeah, I can see how that might be true.
Her:
So that’s the main reason I don’t think I’ll run for office.