The DM Reporter

I am not a journalist. I do not write for the Daily Mail. I do not think coffee gives you cancer. I think immigration makes the world interesting. Now retired.

[The DM Reporter @DMReporter]

FAREWELL: Well, it's time to say goodbye. I'd like to thank my predecessor for entrusting this to me, and I'd like to thank all of you for enjoying my posts over the last three years. Remember, in a world where you can be anything, be kind.

And also, fuck the Daily Mail.

[The DM Reporter @DMReporter]

GUY ADAMS: What is to blame for the absolute shitshow that is HS2? Well it's OBVIOUSLY diversity!

[The DM Reporter @DMReporter]

STATEMENT: GBNews has announced it has suspended Laurence Fox pending an investigation, as they cannot believe that a sexist racist homophobic elitist anti-vax attention-seeking conspiracy nut would make such comments on a right-wing news channel.

[The DM Reporter @DMReporter]

FRONT COVER: Why would you want a new class war when we've had a perfectly good one going for the last thirteen years?

[The DM Reporter @DMReporter]

TRAINS, PAINS AND AUTOMOBILES: Who needs a high-speed rail service up north when the Government can just get a fleet of taxis to drive stranded people home.

[James Nokise @JamesNokise]

I’m not quite sure how to explain what’s happened tonight, because it’s still happening - but here goes…

At 4:40pm I jumped on a train from London to Edinburgh..

It was comfy, it was quiet

In hindsight, too good to last…

[The DM Reporter @DMReporter]

TOMORROW: Just when you think she can't get any more awful...

[The DM Reporter @DMReporter]

FLEABAGS: Woman wears ring after making a lot of money.

[The DM Reporter @DMReporter]

Previous headline contributed by special can we blame it on Blair correspondent @Thumbsuk

[The DM Reporter @DMReporter]

PETER HITCHENS: I get paid for this shit.

[The DM Reporter @DMReporter]

TODAY: Sir Keir Starmer reveals 'monstrous' plan to try and help the UK recover from economic disaster by... just following EU rules.

[The DM Reporter @DMReporter]

"WAR": All I did was wear a t-shirt designed to provoke and upset people and the next thing I knew I was being punished for it. When will the trans lobby leave us alone?!

[The DM Reporter @DMReporter]

TOMORROW: Fuck the planet!

[The DM Reporter @DMReporter]

AND: If you're so inclined and would like to contribute to my retirement/help me pay my bills fund, then I'd be very grateful if you'd consider swinging by my Ko-fi. https://t.co/jmUKCVhYGe

[The DM Reporter @DMReporter]

@the_plant_man Yeah, this platform is absolutely not the same one it was a couple of years ago. I'd be considering stepping down before this Elon's personal Jenga tower collapsed under us anyway, and the fact he's even considering charging is the final push.

[The DM Reporter @DMReporter]

ANNOUNCEMENT: Since Elon Musk is going to be charging to use X, I've decided to end DMReporter on 30th September. Quite frankly, I'm already not enjoying using this platform right now as it becomes increasingly broken and right-wing, and I absolutely refuse to pay for it.

[The DM Reporter @DMReporter]

AND: If you're so inclined and would like to contribute to my retirement/help me pay my bills fund, then I'd be very grateful if you'd consider swinging by my Ko-fi. https://t.co/jmUKCVhYGe

[The DM Reporter @DMReporter]

@SirSteven No. I have considered other platforms but I doubt it would have the same impact and I'd rather go out on a high.

[The DM Reporter @DMReporter]

@el_snoop It would hardly be the first time the Mail has indulged in victim blaming.

[The DM Reporter @DMReporter]

FORGETTING RUSSELL BRAND: Daily Mail unearths years-old interview and presents it as 'news'. It's almost as if they wanted to take the chance to publish photos of Kristen Bell in a bikini...

[The DM Reporter @DMReporter]

@christhebarker