Dan Marquez

Just a comedian with way too many shower thoughts

[Dan Marquez @DMarquezComedy]

This platform can go fuck itself

[Dan Marquez @DMarquezComedy]

Nobody gets ghosted more than the Duolingo owl

[Dan Marquez @DMarquezComedy]

Despite having 20+ years of experience doing it, I still don't know how long to microwave a piece of lasagna

[Dan Marquez @DMarquezComedy]

OJ's hell is getting stabbed by Nicole Brown for eternity. OJ's hell is basically Nicole Brown's heaven

[Dan Marquez @DMarquezComedy]

If I have to "click the link in bio" for more information, rest assured, I got all the information I needed

[Dan Marquez @DMarquezComedy]

@Macys is out here trying to add to my kink list

[Dan Marquez @DMarquezComedy]

Just once, in my life, I want to do laundry and it not be 80% work clothes.

[Dan Marquez @DMarquezComedy]

I kinda don't even want one of my own. I'll just come over and hang with yours

[Dan Marquez @DMarquezComedy]

BREAKING NEWS: Tucker Carlson get job as local weatherman so he can continue being wrong and telling lies to old white people

[Dan Marquez @DMarquezComedy]

I don't think Stouffer's should legally be allowed to call that gloop "lasagna"

[Dan Marquez @DMarquezComedy]

If a dog interrupts my day, what a great day.

If a person interrupts my day, what an awful day.

[Dan Marquez @DMarquezComedy]

Nothing is more annoying than an overzealous crossing guard. Why are you acting like there's a scout in the stands representing the Avengers?

[Dan Marquez @DMarquezComedy]

Nothing is more humbling than a blacklight. It'll have you explaining your regular ass day to your friends. "I swear I wash my clothes and brush my teeth!"

[Dan Marquez @DMarquezComedy]

New Jersey acts like pork roll can cure a disease. You do know that other states have meat too, right?

[Dan Marquez @DMarquezComedy]

My phone is so dry that the only bff that pops up on my Snapchat is Team Snapchat

[Dan Marquez @DMarquezComedy]

Some 16th century European monarch watching me season a chicken with an equivalent of a bar of gold during his time.

[Dan Marquez @DMarquezComedy]

Me talking to my dog: "no sticks in the house!"

My dog seeing me bring in the Christmas tree: *I thought no sticks in house? Am confused*

[Dan Marquez @DMarquezComedy]

I wish I could love anything the way white guys with dreads love bad reggae

[Dan Marquez @DMarquezComedy]

I'm a simple person. I see a picture of a dog, I double tap the picture. Simple.

[Dan Marquez @DMarquezComedy]

I have stronger opinions about chicken wings than I do about Brittany Griner