Doug Kellams

Me: Proud dad. Loyal friend. Music & beer elitist. Cancer survivor. I do things w/ words. I make em sing & dance. I make em touch you-often inappropriately.

[Doug Kellams @DRKTHEGR8]

Tony Romo got arrested for DUI.

He always did struggle with completing drives.

[Doug Kellams @DRKTHEGR8]

Sure am glad the @ChicagoBears traded away two key components of their defense. There's SURELY no way that has anything to do with losing back-to-back CLOSE games where the offense hangs 30 on the opposition...right?

...right?

[Doug Kellams @DRKTHEGR8]

Yes, I'm single.

Yes, I'm comfortably at peace with it.

And you're gonna have to be an amazingly toxic box of red flags that's gonna get tired of me in 3 months and leave me a broken mess to make me want to change that.

[Doug Kellams @DRKTHEGR8]

If you get ghosted by someone you still have to see nearly day...did you get zombied?

[Doug Kellams @DRKTHEGR8]

So...apparently, at least 3 of my exes have gotten engaged to the guy right after me.

If I'm doing a Good Luck Chuck thing...@jessicaalba needs to call me.

[Doug Kellams @DRKTHEGR8]

Allowing someone to treat you badly simply because you've, "been through worse," with someone else doesn't mean you're tough.

It just means you were an idiot at least twice.

[Doug Kellams @DRKTHEGR8]

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie...

That's fatal.

And probably an extinction-level-event.

[Doug Kellams @DRKTHEGR8]

When someone else controls the narrative, the story that's told will never change.

[Doug Kellams @DRKTHEGR8]

Fair point, unfortunately.

[Brian Drake @DrakeFantasy]

Super Bowl Appearances:

Aaron Rodgers 1
Drew Brees 1
Dan Marino 1
Boomer Esiason 1
Donovan McNabb 1
Steve McNair 1
Cam Newton 1
Dan Fouts 0
Warren Moon 0
Philip Rivers 0
Michael Vick 0

Slow down on the “Burrow will be back” narrative.

[Doug Kellams @DRKTHEGR8]

Calm down, y'all.

[Northside ISD @NISD]

We're aware of fake social media posts circulating indicating that NISD has canceled schools for Thursday & Friday. There is NO truth to them. If there are any closures, we will announce later today or first thing in the morning using our official social media channels & website.

[Doug Kellams @DRKTHEGR8]

@AnnaKendrick47 You are my spirit animal.

[Doug Kellams @DRKTHEGR8]

@MikeTaylorShow Get well soon, Mayor!

[Doug Kellams @DRKTHEGR8]

@jacobinfante24 Bit early for April Fool's Day...

[Doug Kellams @DRKTHEGR8]

Her: All I want for Christmas is you.

Me: Sorry, that item is currently out of stock.

[Doug Kellams @DRKTHEGR8]

@colbertlateshow #hewhoshallbenamed The Clownface-In-Chief

[Doug Kellams @DRKTHEGR8]

@colbertlateshow #hewhoshallbenamed Angry Cheeto

[Doug Kellams @DRKTHEGR8]

@colbertlateshow Angry Cheeto

[Doug Kellams @DRKTHEGR8]

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, "our bad, dude. Wrong house. Enjoy your milkshake."