Doug Macomber

Perfectly cromulent, pithy reality star and autotonsorialist

[Doug Macomber @DUG46]

Plumbers don’t worry about sh*t

[Doug Macomber @DUG46]

“YKK on your zipper” is such a solid rap line.

[Doug Macomber @DUG46]

Often I share that I spread a large amount of human hair in the garden to keep the critters away. You should have an obvious follow up question.

[Doug Macomber @DUG46]

I don’t know if this is a bad sign for the economy, but I was able to find a parking spot at the mall today.

[Doug Macomber @DUG46]

According to almost every action TV/Movie it is almost impossible to keep your wife/kids safe.

[Doug Macomber @DUG46]

When I am meeting with someone and some else says to say “hi” I always say that I will, but I know that I won’t

[Doug Macomber @DUG46]

I bought a Kitchen-Aid Meat Grinder. Tonight: Hamloaf.

[Doug Macomber @DUG46]

I’ve never made chicken, not even one time, I have never made chicken at home as good as Chick-fil-A or Popeye’s or KFC, etc

[Doug Macomber @DUG46]

It is best to schedule a dental appointment at 2:30

[Doug Macomber @DUG46]

To celebrate Presidents’ Day this year I will be dressed in my James K Polk costume

[Doug Macomber @DUG46]

My family has been on the same dairy farm since 1837 so when people ask me my nationality, I answer American bison

[Doug Macomber @DUG46]

Maybe the only positive of cold, gray February days is you get pretty immediate alert when your zipper is down.

[Doug Macomber @DUG46]

Finding Nemo is a crazy movie. Watch without your kids. Just an emotional journey.

[Doug Macomber @DUG46]

With today’s Verizon outage we should create a nationwide network of land-based telephones as a backup. We could even put them in public places and charge a nominal fee like a quarter. These phones could be in some sort of vestibule. Rich people might have them in their houses.

[Doug Macomber @DUG46]

The first time in the history of the world, I solved a Rubik‘s cube.

[Doug Macomber @DUG46]

I had a small cyst removed from my middle finger. Part of the post-op report results described my neck as supple. I’ll take it.

[Doug Macomber @DUG46]

I have always assumed God gave us different sized fingers so that we have choices when we pick our nose

[Doug Macomber @DUG46]

It’s never the right time to procrastinate.

[Doug Macomber @DUG46]

If the #Colts are looking for additional mid-season signings, I am willing to make a comeback. I haven’t played in 33 years so my legs are fresh. And I am more than willing to put on weight if necessary.

[Doug Macomber @DUG46]

They say the measure of a man is his character, but I think it’s height