DUI Dad

Hey kids,
Can you tell your Mum to fax over the character reference from our local pastor?

[DUI Dad @DUI_dad]

@neuron_mobility loving the easy access and affordable scooters around the city. You definitely need clearer messaging about drinking and scooting, as I just got done high range after “””parking””” the scooter in the @PenrithRSL bushes after a couple of happy hour jugs.

[DUI Dad @DUI_dad]

@PenrithRSL Well done Warren! Guess this means you have to be deso now haha! Must say I’m pretty bummed I didn’t get it after I spent 1/3rd of my super on the meat raffle tickets I mistook as entry for the car. Could’ve really used a new one after the Rav got impounded.

[DUI Dad @DUI_dad]

@RealMarkLatham @dailytelegraph I came home from the @PenrithRSL bush where I accidentally “park” my car sometimes and found my son smoking something funny. Let me tell you- I gave him a hiding. He’s 26 so now I have a restraining order and I set off my angina within the first two swings, but it was worth it.

[DUI Dad @DUI_dad]

@7NewsSydney HAH! Take that, all you ‘global warming’ fascists. I mean I don’t know much about climatology, atmospheric chemistry, physics, urology, mathematics, basic human decency, or any of those liberal bullshit agendas, but I’m pretty sure this one particularly cold day is a checkmate.

[DUI Dad @DUI_dad]

@DETVic I find that forcing my children to attempt adult tasks, like filing my taxes and spending hours on hold, and then laughing at them when they fail miserably, encourages a strong resolve to stay children forever.
My adult sons are great- I assume. They don’t return my calls.

[DUI Dad @DUI_dad]

@business I’ve had a cure for hangovers for years! You just have to be so emotionally unavailable, that feelings of things like joy, intimacy, hope, acceptance, nausea, headache, impotence, and love can’t cut through the walls you put up.
Side effects may include loss of adult sons.

[DUI Dad @DUI_dad]

@RealMarkLatham Nothing says “I love you, son” like screaming at your kid for hours because you want them to become hollow, preternaturally alcoholic, low-mid level corporate management rockstars, just like their dad.
If my adult sons are out there, my email is still [email protected]

[DUI Dad @DUI_dad]

@realDonaldTrump Hoo boy, here I was thinking that my literal car wreck was a car wreck. Has anyone tried to breatho this guy? I swear I’ve been less wasted than this and still ended up rolling my 2014 Corolla in the bushes behind the @PenrithRSL.

[DUI Dad @DUI_dad]

@commentiquette The only org worth investing in is the Sea Org, who will happily kidnap your ex-wife for only 20% of your income under the guise of religion or aliens or whatever the fuck. She was haunted by a greedy space ghost named Infidelity who forced her to lie to our adult sons about me

[DUI Dad @DUI_dad]

@RealMarkLatham My adults may as well be dead from installing pink batts, because they don’t talk to me after Kevin Rudd installed a blow to start unit in my car.
Free Scott Mona

[DUI Dad @DUI_dad]

@RealMarkLatham You tell them Mark. I was worried that the lockdown was preventing my separated wife and adult sons from coming to see me at the holiday in. It turns out they just didn’t want to see me.
Do your sons reply to your emails?

[DUI Dad @DUI_dad]

@SkyNews My cousin ate a bat once and it actually cured his cancer, so I guess it’s really a luck of the draw type situation. I might start chewing on bats to see if it can get my kids to call me back.

[DUI Dad @DUI_dad]

@realDonaldTrump This looks like an image of a KKK rally

[DUI Dad @DUI_dad]

@RealMarkLatham Hello, this is Fake Mark Latham. The one that is part of the globalist cabal to discredit you by saying absolutely crazy shit like “Christians are discriminated against in Australia.” We aren’t paid very well, and deciding to do it yourself is going to bankrupt me.

[DUI Dad @DUI_dad]

@SkyNews My adult sons won’t visit me, and haven’t since I lost my license in the @PenrithRSL car park. All I want to do is tell then I love them, and then harass them with red pills I’ve learned to parrot verbatim from sky news articles while I angrily drink beers in my hotel room.

[DUI Dad @DUI_dad]

@elonmusk Cancel culture suspended my license

[DUI Dad @DUI_dad]

@realDonaldTrump Not being able to go to the pub, which is my constitutional right, has really impacted my life. Recently I noticed that I’ve been sweating, vomiting, irritable, delirious, and shaking profusely. Maybe I’m allergic to liberal BULLSHIT

[DUI Dad @DUI_dad]

@elonmusk I prefer the little blue pill, if you know what I mean. Years of charging happy hour jugs at the @PenrithRSL have left me as flaccid and limp as the relationships I have with my adult sons. Luckily you can get a stiff one at your local pub eh haha

[DUI Dad @DUI_dad]

@realDonaldTrump I am proud to be a part of Trump’s special keyboard forces. I can’t wait for you personally to grant me a pardon for blowing 0.75 roadside without a license in exchange for my vote, which I will mail in with pictures of my kid’s who won’t respond to my text messages.

[DUI Dad @DUI_dad]

@RealMarkLatham Those companies should focus more on science and less on publicity stunts like this. Besides, I’ve got a new pharmokinetic discovery for them: Me + jugs of #Tooheysnew on a Tuesday lunch break^4 = high range in the bushes outside the @PenrithRSL * (-license) .