gONe

[gONe @D_Mask_Us]

This diet is getting ridiculous!

I just found out I’m not even allowed to eat my favorite vegetable!

I’ll miss you high fructose corn.

[gONe @D_Mask_Us]

It’s amazing how lame my workouts are compared to the epicness of my playlist. I just jog/walked two miles to E.W.&F.’s “September”.

[gONe @D_Mask_Us]

Almost hit a deer! I think deer aren’t “caught in the headlights”, most deer are admiring our driving.

Some of us are just that good at it!

[gONe @D_Mask_Us]

My wife: No, Michael

ME: It’s just a costume

wife: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had”

[gONe @D_Mask_Us]

I can’t relate to the courage of people who shove things onto their eyeballs or shoot their eyes with lasers rather than put on glasses.

[gONe @D_Mask_Us]

Sorta like how some Christians go from one church to another:

RT @stuffJCdidntsay: When humans aren’t around... https://t.co/8Rrelntyq1

[gONe @D_Mask_Us]

When you pay someone to read the Bible to you, the person charges you by the line.

To be honest, I think it’s perverse.

[gONe @D_Mask_Us]

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all morning.

#oldiebutagoodie

[gONe @D_Mask_Us]

you ever change soaps and then get repeatedly startled because you smell a strange but nicely scented person directly behind you?

[gONe @D_Mask_Us]

The weather forecast said there'd be weather. And there was.

[gONe @D_Mask_Us]

Oct. 9 - Happy Columbus Day!
Honor Christopher Columbus today by getting half way to a goal and then calling it good.

[gONe @D_Mask_Us]

Whoever had the brilliant idea to label all the food in the break room fridge was genius.
“Shay” was delicious.
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆
Highly recommend

[gONe @D_Mask_Us]

I'm at a restaurant & a guy took a plate of mashed potatoes into the bathroom 10 minutes ago and hasn't come out.
This isn’t okay, right?

[gONe @D_Mask_Us]

i can see why people hate change

it's heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy stuff, i get it

[gONe @D_Mask_Us]

The next person who says I'm using chopsticks incorrectly can mow the lawn themselves

[gONe @D_Mask_Us]

...but Donell spends 90% of his time in the bathroom anyway so I’m still at a loss

[gONe @D_Mask_Us]

someone's been eating my lunch at work so I put Ex-Lax in my sandwich yesterday to flush 'em out, and today Donell called in sick, but...

[gONe @D_Mask_Us]

Do you ever wake up and kiss the person beside you and thank God for your life?
I just did and now I’m not allowed in staff meetings anymore

[gONe @D_Mask_Us]

My college writing and asking if I’ll donate money to them is like the grocery store cashier asking if I'd like to pay for my milk twice

[Keli Childs @kelichilds21]

@D_Mask_Us I so appreciate your humor ESPECIALLY on days like these. 😘