Tess Tosterone

I find my tweets funny and that’s all that matters

[Kameron “KY” Yung , DDS @DaveFreese6]

A guy at the pro shop today said that his “swamp ass is so bad he was hydroplaning on the toilet seat”. Never heard that one before. May be adding it to the bag.

[lumi 🌱 @lumibonYT]

i took the wrong plane this is NOT going to LA bro

[Jordanreviewsittt @jordanreviewsit]

First day on the job and the CEO already trusts me to go get apple gift cards for him

[Jack Meyer 🏛️ @Jackbmeyer]

“Finance bro,” or even “econ bro,” is a bit of a misnomer. Really I prefer “quantitative social sciences bro”

[That Wine Guy 🍷 @thatwineguy68]

Nothing better than a glass of #RedWine...🍷 Except maybe #Men 😄 #Yep #ImGay 🌈

[Noah Kahan @NoahKahan]

Just letting everyone know I’m reading a book right now. I also drank 7 glasses of water yesterday. Im not saying explicitly that I’m a better person than you, but it is heavily heavily implied. Heaven is going to be awesome!

[nape mango @NapeMango]

the Joe Biden “46⚡️48” bumper stickers are gonna go so crazy when he’s back in office

[Neet @neet_sol]

to all recent college grads: it is not summer break anymore you are just unemployed now

[georgia @adatarg]

happy for the bralette girlies but some of us require load bearing architecture

[Tess Tosterone @DaRealJimCarter]

The Cheba Hut on Gilman is hiring if any of you are willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for your country

[Tess Tosterone @DaRealJimCarter]

If I’m staring at you while you’re on the Bratio at 2pm: I’m not judging. I’m jealous

[Snakes🐍 @savemylove4u]

This is what I feel like writing cover letters

[jon drake @DrakeGatsby]

I would never give a mouse a cookie. I’d give it a Coors Banquet and a cigarette

[tabitha arnold @thetolerantweft]

4 months into a depressive episode that began when I went off my antidepressant, I’ve officially admitted that it’s probably happening because I went off the antidepressant. follow me for more profound insights and wisdom

[rat_angel_ @rat_angel_]

New York City? You mean where they make the crosswords?

[Tess Tosterone @DaRealJimCarter]

And then the director gave me an apple to eat in the middle of art library so everyone knows I’m an asshole

[𝐄𝐟𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐌𝐚𝐫𝐤𝐞𝐭 𝐇𝐲𝐩𝐞 @EffMktHype]

There won't be a second interview, but at least they'll know the difference between cold-pressed and cold-extracted olive oil.