Tess Tosterone

I find my tweets funny and that’s all that matters

[Mir @sbxloch]

If newton saw the way I be moving these days he'd add a fourth law of motion

[Jack @GayLaVie]

WOAH Google that was fast!!!!

[Morgan 🏳️‍⚧️ @thetransitagend]

i bet being a ballot box on a high voter turnout day feels good as fuck. like please stuff more ballots into me mmmmffffggg

[Tipodis D. Devil @tipodissd]

We got @SteveKornacki walking down the hallway likes he’s about run out the tunnel to play Alabama

[liz the damn season 🍂 @lizaboth]

If you’re in line for your free gender reassignment surgery at the elementary school STAY IN LINE

[Douglas A. Boneparth @dougboneparth]

The only thing that would sway my vote this election is six text messages from an unidentified number during my work day.

[kaia @onherleft]

i love halloweekend #DrinkingOnPrescriptionMedications

[hyper(bolic) disco(unting) girl in the bay @hyperdiscogirl]

i think what was actually happening during the Who's On First scene was that she simply wasn't paying attention, because a man was making her watch a youtube video

[‏ً @itsnwts]

I actually think we SHOULD ruin the futures of adult men who druġ and gang r@pe a woman, YES thanks for asking.

[Tess Tosterone @DaRealJimCarter]

Just bought a sweater on Depop so I wouldn’t hurt myself

[isa @elisaposting]

girls be like "i needed this" and it's just a weekend of abusing substances with their best friends

[Tess Tosterone @DaRealJimCarter]

@neonxvi Girl dad

[Elmo @elmo]

Everybody!! Elmo just went down the slide at the playground!!! 🛝

[Elmo @elmo]

Elmo loved seeing you play, Mr. Noah Kahan! ❤️ Even if it was past Elmo's bedtime! 🎸

[Hail Seitan Ⓥ🇵🇸 @tofuafficionado]

you can sure milk a non-issue though

[𝙥𝙪𝙣𝙞𝙨𝙝𝙚𝙙 𝙢𝙞𝙠𝙚 @punished_moron]

unfortunately have discovered the most amazing little perfect new bar in my neighborhood and when I walked in the first thing the bartender said was "don't get too attached to godzilla, we're about to put on jeopardy"

[Kameron “KY” Yung , DDS @DaveFreese6]

A guy at the pro shop today said that his “swamp ass is so bad he was hydroplaning on the toilet seat”. Never heard that one before. May be adding it to the bag.

[lumi 🌱 @lumibonYT]

i took the wrong plane this is NOT going to LA bro

[Jordanreviewsittt @jordanreviewsit]

First day on the job and the CEO already trusts me to go get apple gift cards for him

[Jack Meyer 🏛️ @Jackbmeyer]

“Finance bro,” or even “econ bro,” is a bit of a misnomer. Really I prefer “quantitative social sciences bro”