KedemGrapeJews

No Sugar Added. No Artificial Flavors. No Artificial Coloring. 100% Pure Organic Jews. “Chadesh Yameinu K’Kedem” (Ecclesiastes 5:21)

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My friend אברהם lost a bet last week.

He goes by ארהם now.

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My friend almost had a heart attack at minyan today. Said he was davening normally when…

פתאום!
קטורת.

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When it comes to donuts, I hold like Beis Shammai

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Slytherin Chinuch be like:

Chanoch L’na’ar Al Pi Draco

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Standing in the sukkah, exactly three tefachim apart, they locked eyes…

It was ‘lavud’ at first sight.

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My new stopwatch from Tzomet is here, but it’s a bit off on timing 🤷

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A Machzor where each Hebrew page has 3 pages of translation… for every page left, we can divide by 4! Pls, someone, get me in touch with @artscroll asap.

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Now try Mikva Water

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Can’t believe the shidduch crisis has gotten us to this point… Wild.

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One of my arba minim betrayed me today.

It went Es-rogue.

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Just finished sacrificing a Soda Stream at the Beit Hamikdash.

Can’t think of a better way to serve God than a ‘Korban Dioxide’.

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Mareh Kohen is only time I don’t get excited when seeing “most congregations omit”.

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If I didn’t know better Friday Night Lights just sounds like a documentary about a Shabbos Goy in Lakewood.

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Love buying condiments made by Osem.

They are quite literally…

Osem sauce.

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I feel like I spend at least half of the time at Israeli weddings trying to track down the magnet guy

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Learning the Aleph-Beis is tough, but the last letter… that’s really tough.

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Kinda crazy that all bus drivers in Israel have the same name.

Like, what are the chances that every kid named ‘Nahag’ went into the same profession?

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Naming all my children Simcha so people will say to me “only simchas, only simchas”.

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For those still announcing Sefira.

Stop it.

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A friend told me that he doesn’t want to go to shul on Shavuos.

Some people just can’t handle the ‘Ruth’.

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Every year I make oatmeal for those who stay up all night on Shavuot…

I call it Shavu’oats’.