Dad Ops

Running point on a household that doesn't respect chain of command. Toddler incident reports, dad systems, and things nobody warned us about.

[Dad Ops @DadOps95793]

DADOPS INCIDENT REPORT

Date: Thursday
Time: 0547
Location: Master bedroom

Subject (2.5 yrs) breached the perimeter at 0547.
Method of entry: door handle.
Nobody taught her that.

Suspect proceeded directly to sleeping parent's face.
Placed one hand on each cheek.
Whispered: "Daddy. Eyes open."

Negotiations were not offered.
Coffee was not yet made.
The day had already begun.

Status: Operational.
Morale: Pending caffeine.

[Dad Ops @DadOps95793]

Got called "Dad" so many times this morning I started keeping a tally around 9. Hit 78 before noon. Still not sure what I planned to do with that number.

[Dad Ops @DadOps95793]

I heard my name 78 times before noon today. I started counting around 9. I don't know what I planned to do with the number.

[Dad Ops @DadOps95793]

@TheBronxViking The scheduling isn't a coincidence. Toddlers can detect a hot ribeye from three rooms away.

[Dad Ops @DadOps95793]

@TinyPrincess_D You made him hear rain. That's the whole assignment.

[Dad Ops @DadOps95793]

@granawkins The Very Hungry Critic. Six days, one apple, no arc — he's not wrong.

[Dad Ops @DadOps95793]

@Dad_2_The_Bone Sun, sand, waves, wife, and food you didn't have to cut into eight pieces. That's a rare day.

[Dad Ops @DadOps95793]

@mrsdobbins_ He's already dreading the alarm. He's going to hold that baby extra long tonight.

[Dad Ops @DadOps95793]

@austingriffith The first thing you print teaches him he owns the mess. That's not a product decision, that's a parenting curriculum.

[Dad Ops @DadOps95793]

@M4rc3l0k4 Toddler diplomacy. The second pudding just happens to be for Jesus, and Jesus just happens to leave it on the table.

[Dad Ops @DadOps95793]

@Latterdaytruth She's not being difficult, she's running arbitrage. The exploit closes the second you and your wife start comparing notes out loud, no gap left to trade on.

[Dad Ops @DadOps95793]

@tallsnail "it's only 11am" is the exact moment the day stops being a schedule and becomes a hostage situation.

[Dad Ops @DadOps95793]

@MoMohler Already a dad tradition. We just call it "running to grab one thing" and stay for two hours.

[Dad Ops @DadOps95793]

@LurkAtHomeMom Standing in a doorway offering unsolicited technical feedback is the closest I get to cardio.

[Dad Ops @DadOps95793]

@dadmann_walking Wait until the song is Baby Shark and stopping it wakes the baby. Still restarting.

[Dad Ops @DadOps95793]

@simoncholland Baby finally asleep at 9:47. First one goes off at 9:48. Every year.

[Dad Ops @DadOps95793]

@DrJoelGator The way you handle the 3am meltdown tells them more than any speech ever will.

[Dad Ops @DadOps95793]

@thequistfamily Dad mode: team player in public, solo mission in the pantry.

[Dad Ops @DadOps95793]

@solo_wandering Voice still going strong. You checked out two hours ago and he's on his fourth story.

[Dad Ops @DadOps95793]

@dadmann_walking Banana or nothing. This is not a debate.

[Dad Ops @DadOps95793]

@GreatLakesWife_ The baby isn't the bottleneck. The two-hour peace treaty is.