New Dad Who Dis

First-time father to boy/girl twins, so just trying not to die. I have thoughts. Opinions shared do not necessarily reflect those of management (re: my wife).

[New Dad Who Dis @DadRealizes]

I want my kids to grow up to be curious and open-minded about the world around them, but also to hate things I hate so I don’t have to do them, like watch baseball or go camping.

#dadlife
#parenting
#twins

[New Dad Who Dis @DadRealizes]

Parenting toddlers is a constant back and forth between thinking “holy shit this kid is a genius” and “holy shit did I drop this kid on their head and forget it happened”, oftentimes during the same activity.

[New Dad Who Dis @DadRealizes]

@RodneyDBarnes63 It’s cool, man. I’m sure I’d feel differently under the circumstances if we couldn’t videochat them every day or something. Mostly I just thought “thirsty-ass progenitors” was funny.

[New Dad Who Dis @DadRealizes]

I know they’re bored and quarantined too, but what’s a nice way to tell your parents to stop commenting on every one of your social media posts because, like .. that’s not the engagement you’re going for, basically? Thirsty-ass progenitors.

[New Dad Who Dis @DadRealizes]

@RodneyDBarnes63 Damn, really bringing the heavy to lighthearted Twitter jokes about family dynamics during self-isolation today.

[New Dad Who Dis @DadRealizes]

I get why Elmo is so frustrated about needing to practice to get good at bowling, considering he regularly dunks a basketball on a regulation hoop while playing against a clone of himself. I’d just assume I was a god-like athlete, too. #sesamestreet #dadlife

[New Dad Who Dis @DadRealizes]

Dr. Seuss is actually trash example 4,103.

[New Dad Who Dis @DadRealizes]

So far the best part about having toddlers is when they have to briefly run in place like a damn cartoon character before they can actually move forward. #parenting #toddlers #dadlife

[New Dad Who Dis @DadRealizes]

@ln0217 Dirty pool

[New Dad Who Dis @DadRealizes]

It’s a good thing I’m married because as it turns out I have never once opened the car windows to an appropriate height on the first try and otherwise I might never have known.

#marriage

[New Dad Who Dis @DadRealizes]

All other birthday parties take place at my kids’ nap time. Seemingly impossible and yet completely true.

[New Dad Who Dis @DadRealizes]

Me: I’m going to let The Girl (who sleeps in the room at the top of the stairs) sleep in a little.

MIL: Okay.

MIL 2 minutes later, shouting across the house from the bottom of the stairs: WHO TOOK THAT INSTAGRAM VIDEO YOU POSTED?!

You know the rest, gentle reader.

[New Dad Who Dis @DadRealizes]

The #twins absolutely cannot figure out the active, intentional throwing of a ball, but give them a bin of toys to clear out for no reason and you need to watch your back bc they will no-look whip that shit across the room.

[New Dad Who Dis @DadRealizes]

@OhioMomoftwo @SnarkyMommy78 You need to investigate everyone they’ve ever interacted with. Someone needs to go.

[New Dad Who Dis @DadRealizes]

@MommedRealHard Another doctor needed to come into the room mid-procedure to look for something in a cabinet. Just knocked, walked in, and apologized, to which I proudly responded “It’s cool, man. These are my nuts.”

[New Dad Who Dis @DadRealizes]

Right now I really just live in constant fear that the next loud bang I hear will be one of the #twins figuring out how to climb out of their crib and then failing the dismount spectacularly.

#parenting

[New Dad Who Dis @DadRealizes]

I’m just as likely to temporarily lose something by putting it in the place it’s actually supposed to go and like what the hell brain.

[New Dad Who Dis @DadRealizes]

@fortbirthday Yea, we’d better get some serious mileage out of these Minnie Mouse legos.

[New Dad Who Dis @DadRealizes]

We just cashed in our Pampers Rewards credit, so yea, I guess you could say we’re crushing it.

[New Dad Who Dis @DadRealizes]

The Wife is one of those people who loves the beach, but hates sand and doesn’t particularly care for the water. Because that is a thing, as it turns out.

[New Dad Who Dis @DadRealizes]

My 16mo son very clearly finds himself absolutely hilarious so he’s definitely mine.