Dads Puns

The old ones are the best...

[Dads Puns @DadsPuns]

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.

Confused, I asked him what he was doing...

He said: “Just checking my balance.”

[Dads Puns @DadsPuns]

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

[Dads Puns @DadsPuns]

I asked my wife when her birthday was.

She said "March 1st"

So I walked around the room and asked again.

[Dads Puns @DadsPuns]

Got sent a message saying I am not allowed to make Dad Jokes if I am not a Dad.

Apparently its a faux pa.

[Dads Puns @DadsPuns]

The jumper I got for Xmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop & exchanged it for another one.

Free of charge.

[Dads Puns @DadsPuns]

New regulations say Santa's helpers must wear a seatbelt at all times when they're on the sleigh.

It's elfin safety gone mad.

[Dads Puns @DadsPuns]

Did you know that Santa has a tenth reindeer, Olive?

She's mentioned in Rudolph's song

"Olive the other reindeer..."

[Dads Puns @DadsPuns]

What's a mathematician's favourite Christmas snack?

A mince π.

[Dads Puns @DadsPuns]

Insomnia is awful.

On the plus side, only two more sleeps until Christmas.

[Dads Puns @DadsPuns]

Shop assistant: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small.

Shop assistant: You didn't even try it on?

Psychic: I'm a medium.

[Dads Puns @DadsPuns]

Doctor: Relax, David. It’s just a small surgery, don’t panic.

Me: But my name isn’t David.

Doctor: I know. I’m David.

[Dads Puns @DadsPuns]

A cop pulled me over and said, "Papers"

I yelled, "Scissors" and drove off.

[Dads Puns @DadsPuns]

What do you call a horny square?

An erectangle.

[Dads Puns @DadsPuns]

If you spell the words “Absolutely Nothing” backwards, you get “Gnihton Yletulosba,” which ironically means...

Absolutely nothing.

[Dads Puns @DadsPuns]

Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”

Me: “and?”

[Dads Puns @DadsPuns]

Took the wife's Valentines present back today.

She said she wanted something black and lacy.

Turns out she didn't mean football boots.

[Dads Puns @DadsPuns]

I went in for a Covid test and my doctor asked if I had a sudden loss of taste?.

"No, I always dress like this", I replied.

[Dads Puns @DadsPuns]

My wife told me she was going to leave me if I didn’t stop singing I’m a believer. I thought she was joking.

But then I saw her face

[Dads Puns @DadsPuns]

A bloke on a tractor has just driven past me shouting “The end of the world is nigh!!”

I think it was Farmer Geddon.

[Dads Puns @DadsPuns]

Marks and Spencers new Christmas advert states "That it wouldn't be Christmas without M&S".

They're right too.

It'd be Chrita