Daily Divot

Golf news with a slice. ⛳
Wild headlines. Questionable sources. Completely made-up stories.
100% satire. Please don’t sue us.

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@JimLancebandit @DouglasSch62847 Yes, but other than that. 😆

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#BREAKING: PINS & ACES STUNNED TO LEARN RORY IS EUROPEAN ROYALTY

Colorado golf company rocked by discovery that employee may be heir to a tiny kingdom nobody has heard of

DENVER, COLO. — Nick and the entire team at Pins & Aces were reportedly left speechless this week after discovering that their coworker Rory is actually European royalty.

The shocking revelation came after an employee noticed Rory had never once carried his own golf bag, always addressed the breakroom microwave as “the royal oven,” and regularly asked coworkers to bow before handing him a putter cover.

“We thought he was just confident,” Nick said. “Now we find out we’ve been making a prince answer customer emails. I could be executed for that.”

According to completely unverified royal documents found inside a velvet Crown Royal bag, Rory is allegedly His Royal Highness Ruaridh Montgomery Fraser Windsor-McDivot III, rightful heir to the throne of a very small European country located somewhere between France, Scotland and an airport Duty Free shop.

Pins & Aces employees said the clues had been there all along.

Rory drinks tea with his pinky raised, refers to golf carts as “carriages,” and has repeatedly demanded that every company meeting begin with a trumpet fanfare. He also refuses to yell “Fore,” insisting that peasants should simply clear the fairway when they see him approaching.

Nick admitted the news will change their working relationship.

“I yelled at him last week for being late,” Nick said. “Apparently, royal time is different. I’m now preparing a formal apology and possibly surrendering one of our company vehicles.”

Sources say Rory has no immediate plans to leave Pins & Aces and assume the throne. He reportedly enjoys Colorado, loves the golf business, and is waiting for the company to finish developing a crown that includes a magnetic ball marker and hidden beer sleeve.

The royal family has neither confirmed nor denied the report, although Buckingham Palace recently placed a suspiciously large order with Pins & Aces.

This story is fictional satire. Rory may be royalty, but we performed absolutely no research to prove it.

@pinsandaces #golf #colorado

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@acaseofthegolf1 Is it me???

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⛳ GOLF CART SAFETY: TIGER WOODS EDITION

Welcome aboard. Today’s trip to the first tee should take two minutes, although you may age considerably.

Please review your safety card:

• Fasten everything. Belt, hat, personal relationship with God.
• Locate your nearest exit. It’s either side. There are no doors.
• Expect turbulence. That was a bunker.
• Brace for the back nine. Hug your knees and forget your swing thoughts.
• Save yourself first. Your $600 driver would understand.
• Walking is always an option. Suddenly, 18 holes doesn’t sound that far.

In the event of a water landing, your scorecard becomes a flotation device. Finally, those extra strokes provide some support.

Thank you for choosing Tiger Air. Our captain is chasing another major. You’re just hoping to make the cut.

@DailyDivot #TigerWoods #Golf

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@NiceUpandDown Is this a yearly migration?

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@acaseofthegolf1 It is tough when you are struggling. I hope he can work through this.

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@NUCLRGOLF Some can be fun if they are downhill.

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@acaseofthegolf1 Why are you so cool?

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@BigImpactHumans A spoon? Just put it in your mouth and pretend to enjoy it.

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@elonmusk Shame on you, @elonmusk. You need to sit in the corner.

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@brockpierson What until you see the 1980's video camera technology.

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⛳️#BREAKING: Golfers Forced to Hit Driver on 156-Yard Hole; Local Man Finally Feels Represented

The Daily Divot

A local 24-handicap is demanding a formal apology from his regular foursome after fierce winds at the Walker Cup forced elite amateurs to hit drivers on a 156-yard par 3.

“I’ve been making that club selection for 17 years,” said fictional weekend golfer Doug Mulligan. “Apparently, when they do it, it’s course management. When I do it, everybody takes out their phone.”

After seeing reports of roughly 40 mph winds at Ireland’s Lahinch Golf Club, Mulligan immediately sent the story to his golf group with the message, “Some of us were ahead of our time.”

His playing partners noted that Doug typically makes the same selection in 74-degree weather with no wind.

“Wind isn’t always visible,” Doug explained.

Mulligan has since updated his golf biography to describe himself as a “links specialist” and requested that his usual tee box be referred to as “the championship preparation area.”

He also defended his habit of leaving the driver’s headcover off for the entire round.

“You don’t holster a weapon you’re about to need again.”

Inspired by his newfound credibility, Doug is now seeking recognition for several other advanced techniques, including laying up on par 3s, putting from 40 yards off the green, and hitting a provisional before anyone asks.

His foursome has agreed to apologize if he can explain why his driver still finished 30 yards short.

At press time, Doug was blaming the altitude.

The course is at sea level.

@WalkerCup #golf @LahinchGolfClub @DailyDivot

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@DannyNoonanGolf OMG! So true.

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@GolfTravelerJoe You can do it.

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@elonmusk @cb_doge @MKBHD Can we be the first customer?

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@elonmusk Love this.

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@wholemars We would be in for that as well.

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@elonmusk @wholemars We are available.

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@robotaxi

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#BREAKING: TESLA CYBERCAB TAKES GOLFER STRAIGHT TO LESSONS AFTER HE REQUESTS RIDE TO PGA TOUR QUALIFIER

“I said take me to the tournament. It said, ‘Let’s be realistic.’”

DENVER — Local golfer Brent Mulligan has filed a complaint after a Tesla Cybercab allegedly reviewed his golf history and rerouted him from a tournament qualifier to a beginner group lesson.

“I entered the course address,” said Mulligan, a self-described eight handicap whose regular playing partners requested that number appear in quotation marks. “Then the car asked if my 87 included the holes I picked up on.”

According to Mulligan, the trouble began when he loaded his clubs and announced he was “absolutely striping it lately.”

The vehicle reportedly responded by locking in a destination labeled “Fundamentals.”

Mulligan attempted to change the route, but the touchscreen displayed: “You have purchased three drivers in 14 months. Equipment has been ruled out.”

With no steering wheel available, he was forced to sit quietly while the car played a video titled You Are Not One Swing Thought Away.

The situation escalated when Mulligan called his regular foursome for support.

“He told us the car was taking him somewhere he didn’t want to go,” said playing partner Doug Peters. “I said, ‘Now you know how your golf ball feels.’”

At the practice facility, Mulligan refused to exit until the Cybercab acknowledged that he had once driven a 340-yard par 4.

The vehicle checked the course layout, elevation and historical wind conditions before replying, “You made six.”

Despite the dispute, Mulligan admitted the ride had one major benefit.

“It was the first time I arrived at a golf course without having to worry about my driving.”

At press time, the Cybercab had picked him up after his lesson and asked how it went.

Mulligan said he had “figured something out.”

The car booked him for Tuesday.

@DailyDivot @Tesla #cybercab @elonmusk