David Sedaris Fan

Formerly, The Tweetable David Sedaris, Daily
(Now, Occasionally)

[David Sedaris Fan @DailySedaris]

I went to 3 different colleges...And I remember the last line of my essay was: "If you do not let me in, I will kill myself."

[David Sedaris Fan @DailySedaris]

Well, actually, we used to call him The Rooster. Now we call him "The Juicester." EVERYTHING.
EVERYTHING.
EVERYTHING goes into his blender.

[David Sedaris Fan @DailySedaris]

“Just awful,”my father whispered.“A person’s life reduced to one lousy box.” I put my hand on his shoulder.“Actually, there are two of them”

[David Sedaris Fan @DailySedaris]

I'm gonna be able to touch an owl in a couple of hours. So hopefully touching the owl will supersede someone being angry at me.

[David Sedaris Fan @DailySedaris]

Again the following morning my flight was cancelled, so I went to Louisville on a private jet, the sort that’s like a limo with wings.

[David Sedaris Fan @DailySedaris]

“I know the thing that you speak exact now. Talk me more, you, plus, please, plus.”

[David Sedaris Fan @DailySedaris]

I've been tempted to destroy those early diaries, but the very urge reminds me that I really haven't changed all that much.

[David Sedaris Fan @DailySedaris]

...I'm not sure what cholesterol actually is. I hear the word and imagine a pale gravy, made by hand, with lumps in it.

[David Sedaris Fan @DailySedaris]

...In Europe though, you're not an alcoholic unless you're living half-naked on the street, drinking antifreeze from a cast-off shoe.

[David Sedaris Fan @DailySedaris]

...but it saddens Hugh to discuss his childhood monkey. "Oh Maxwell," he'll sigh, and within a minute he'll have started crying.

[David Sedaris Fan @DailySedaris]

"Oh you look fine" my mother would say. She meant to reassure me, but looking fine to your mother meant that something was definitely wrong.

[David Sedaris Fan @DailySedaris]

...people who said such things to their parents, "I love you," but it always translated to mean, "I'd love to get off the phone with you."

[David Sedaris Fan @DailySedaris]

...I'd always harbored a sneaking suspicion I might be a genius. The theory was completely my own, corroborated by no one, but so what?

[David Sedaris Fan @DailySedaris]

... my greatest asset is my skin, which glows - it really does! I have to tie a sock over my eyes in order to fall asleep at night.

[David Sedaris Fan @DailySedaris]

He looked as though his life had not only passed him by but paused along the way to spit in his face.

[David Sedaris Fan @DailySedaris]

If I was thin, it must be because I'd recently lost the extra fifty pounds traditionally cushioning the standard American ass.

[David Sedaris Fan @DailySedaris]

The Korean man nodded, the way you do when you're a foreigner and understand that someone has finished a sentence.

[David Sedaris Fan @DailySedaris]

"When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it,' and eat yourself some motherfucking candy."

[David Sedaris Fan @DailySedaris]

Avoiding both the past and the future, they embraced the moment with a stoicism common to Buddhists and recently recovered alcoholics.

[David Sedaris Fan @DailySedaris]

I’d tried to straighten him out, but there’s only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwitz is a brand of beer.