Dairy

I'm ghosting my friends, hallelujah!

[Dairy @DairyFromIowa]

Just saw a dude so horrible at driving.. I bet he can’t even find the reverse gear.

[Dairy @DairyFromIowa]

I have a brain disorder where I can’t remember my child’s order at McDonald’s

[Dairy @DairyFromIowa]

Just thought about the year 2036. I don’t want to be around then

[Dairy @DairyFromIowa]

Got invited to a shower for baby Brent. First one!

[Dairy @DairyFromIowa]

The kids are never activating any sort of “Mode” for themselves anymore

[Dairy @DairyFromIowa]

My mom always said “If God wanted your foot to be a broom, he would’ve added bristles.”

[Dairy @DairyFromIowa]

Just went to a vegan restaurant. They’re serving up a Baconhater. Sound that one out!

[Dairy @DairyFromIowa]

I wish I could love bomb you all day

[Dairy @DairyFromIowa]

Cop just pulled me over and said he was going to make an example out of me. Worst case scenario.

[Dairy @DairyFromIowa]

If you ask for the moon, they’ll at least give you a pebble

[Dairy @DairyFromIowa]

Get a life SuperNanny!

[Dairy @DairyFromIowa]

I wish I could choke on a bone and almost die so I could know what comes after

[Dairy @DairyFromIowa]

The people at work voted me “Most Likely to Kill Someone at a Bar”. I clarified “At Karaoke Singing”!

[Dairy @DairyFromIowa]

Married to Charlotte! Sometimes just a spark turns into a raging fire 🔥🔥

[Dairy @DairyFromIowa]

It is swamped at the mall cafeteria today. All the bootlickers are in the line at Sbarro’s.

[Dairy @DairyFromIowa]

I swear I haven’t seen an ant in three years. Insecticide

[Dairy @DairyFromIowa]

I’ve got so many intrusive thoughts that they are starting to feel like real thoughts

[Dairy @DairyFromIowa]

My mom always invites her friend over to our house for Christmas.. Like why is she here?

[Dairy @DairyFromIowa]

I’m all for public transit until some guy starts doing hopscotch on the ceiling of the subway car

[Dairy @DairyFromIowa]

Yesterday while I was Dashing I happened to pick up an order for my boss at my office job. He wanted to talk to me today because now he’s concerned I know where he lives.