Diagonal Fishmold

Future World's #1 Grandpa

[Diagonal Fishmold @DanFinegold]

They tried to bury us. They didn’t know we were worms.

[Diagonal Fishmold @DanFinegold]

This is true. My friend gave birth to a boy and while she was pregnant she was white

[ms.belt2ass @xoLynnB]

they saying boy pregnancy’s and girl pregnancy’s stomachs are shaped different . I think it’s accurate.

[Diagonal Fishmold @DanFinegold]

The national guard has been deployed to the subways because the cops down there got up to a really hard level of candy crush

[Diagonal Fishmold @DanFinegold]

Awesome! This will come in handy if I ever wake up as a 5 gallon case of water and I need to kill myself

[Science girl @sciencegirl]

A convenient knot for carrying a heavy bottle
https://t.co/OueWS8wQs3

[Diagonal Fishmold @DanFinegold]

I hope reincarnation isn’t real. You’re telling me this is how my life is going? And I’ve had thousands of years of practice??

[Diagonal Fishmold @DanFinegold]

If I lived in a highly insular community with little to no oversight and my boys said “hey we’re digging a tunnel under the community center for no reason” I would be putting in 8 hour shifts every single day.

[Diagonal Fishmold @DanFinegold]

When someone asks about my 5 year plan

[Diagonal Fishmold @DanFinegold]

RIP BOZO

[Diagonal Fishmold @DanFinegold]

“From the river to the sea” is a genocidal slogan that has no place in America. We must ban it from sea to shining sea.

[Diagonal Fishmold @DanFinegold]

How can a country of Jews be this bad at show business?

[Yonit Levi @LeviYonit]

"Columbia Untisemity": Israel's No. 1 Satire program mocks the support for Hamas on college campuses
@mulisegev
@Eretz_Nehederet

[Diagonal Fishmold @DanFinegold]

I’m honestly grateful for the writer’s strike because I would not want to have to see the snl skits about how I clogged my apartment’s toilet just now

[Diagonal Fishmold @DanFinegold]

[trying to come up with a segue for my stand-up set] speaking of things that are funny

[Diagonal Fishmold @DanFinegold]

Driving in the middle lane with my hazard lights on to indicate that the car is about to undergo mitosis

[Diagonal Fishmold @DanFinegold]

Ok good luck getting an A.I. to do whatever the hell I was doing behind Neil Patrick Harris here

[Diagonal Fishmold @DanFinegold]

Putting 911 down as my emergency contact

[Diagonal Fishmold @DanFinegold]

If you ordered a shipment of silica gel packets do you think the box would come with an extra one?

[Diagonal Fishmold @DanFinegold]

"Ron DeSantis is so popular that his campaign announcement broke twitter" twitter is being held together by 3 employees and a small country's worth of debt. My nephew could break twitter by announcing he's running for class president.

[Diagonal Fishmold @DanFinegold]

The twitter space where Ron Desantis is planning to announce his campaign has fully crashed my app multiple times. It doesn't seem like Desantis even has speaker privileges rn. Campaign off to a very competent start.

[Diagonal Fishmold @DanFinegold]

@JanetBassett @BirdCentralPark He’s been busy!

[Diagonal Fishmold @DanFinegold]

White-crowned sparrow spotted in Morningside Park yesterday #birdcpp

[Diagonal Fishmold @DanFinegold]

I was standing on the escalator the other day when someone walked past me in a big huff. What’s the big rush? Relax. I’m sure they’ll get it moving again soon.