Dan I Am

I'm the inventor of lederhosen.

[Dan I Am @Dan_1_Am]

Just introduced my almost 3 year-old to Lil Wayne and she is now a mega fan. I couldn’t be more proud.

[Dan I Am @Dan_1_Am]

i think my chicken needs a haircut and im very unsure how to go about this

this whole statement is phrased as a question.

[Dan I Am @Dan_1_Am]

sometimes my face card be playin, sometimes she’s slayin, today she all the way in.

[Dan I Am @Dan_1_Am]

the moon is outdoing itself tonight

[Big Perfect | Motivation @Big_Perfect669]

@biigrem your words only matter if I give them power

[Dan I Am @Dan_1_Am]

@thee_milli_rock Lmfao that is actually completely fair.

[Dan I Am @Dan_1_Am]

my two year-old is obsessed with flamin hot cheetos thanks to her poor influence “a million” aka @thee_milli_rock

[Dan I Am @Dan_1_Am]

between my dog having insane diarrhea on my carpet on four separate occasions and my daughter, potty training I never want to see or hear about poop again.

[Dan I Am @Dan_1_Am]

you ever laugh right before you crash out like you’re starting the damn engine?

[Dan I Am @Dan_1_Am]

the way i’m obsessed with conversation hearts 🥰

[Dan I Am @Dan_1_Am]

a lil peek inside the shit show that is my brain.

[Tony D @tonydpoison]

Yesterday I overheard a grown man give his date of birth as 2002 and in my mind that made him about 3 years old.

[Dan I Am @Dan_1_Am]

Here’s my big grip of the day: why are there so many different vanilla ice creams at the grocery store?! old-fashioned vanilla, vanilla bean, New York vanilla, French vanilla, etc. you name it they have a vanilla for it. How do I know which one to get?

[Dan I Am @Dan_1_Am]

i relate so heavily to “father figure” but from the villains perspective. iykyk

[Dan I Am @Dan_1_Am]

I’ve been having insanely real nightmares to the point of having to distinguish reality from my dreams

[Dan I Am @Dan_1_Am]

life is sweet

[Dan I Am @Dan_1_Am]

@realDonaldTrump what is actually wrong with you? the whole country is watching you parade around is jest as the next hitler and just standing by. we have learned absolutely nothing from history.

[Dan I Am @Dan_1_Am]

today i solely consumed malto meal and ramen noodles and my 2 year old is walking around with change rattling in a frying pan and 1 sock on…is there vacancy on skid row currently?

[Dan I Am @Dan_1_Am]

I literally got my foot stuck in the duck pond this morning…

[Dan I Am @Dan_1_Am]

I would make so much money off of putting a camera in my chicken coop.