Slightly funny Jew

I talk to my car, just in case it's a transformer.

[Slightly funny Jew @Dani_Feld]

Relationship status: I shout "PIZZA'S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn't think I'm eating two pizzas by myself.

[Slightly funny Jew @Dani_Feld]

DON'T TELL ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE

[Slightly funny Jew @Dani_Feld]

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

[Slightly funny Jew @Dani_Feld]

"Nothing lasts forever" is hard to believe when someone's telling you about their wedding plans.

[Slightly funny Jew @Dani_Feld]

Relationship status: I shout "PIZZA'S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn't think I'm eating two pizzas by myself.

[Slightly funny Jew @Dani_Feld]

Did you know, if you hold a policeman's hat to your ear, you can hear him reading out your rights.

[Slightly funny Jew @Dani_Feld]

Who wants to help me with my coffee enema?

No weirdos.

[Slightly funny Jew @Dani_Feld]

*waits all week for the weekend*

*does nothing on the weekend*

[Slightly funny Jew @Dani_Feld]

My doctor told me to drink more vodka. Well, he said "less wine", but I'm pretty sure that's what he meant.

[Slightly funny Jew @Dani_Feld]

Sorry I ruined your life. I thought you were flirting with me.

[Slightly funny Jew @Dani_Feld]

@susannareid100

[Slightly funny Jew @Dani_Feld]

FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

[Boris Johnson @BorisJohnson]

Given the early evidence we have on this new variant of the virus, and the potential risk it poses, it is with a heavy heart that I must tell you we cannot continue with Christmas as planned. (2/3)

[Slightly funny Jew @Dani_Feld]

Ah, thunder, lightning and hail now.

Just keeping an eye out for The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

[Slightly funny Jew @Dani_Feld]

Not having to make conversation with your hairdresser.

#PerksOfQuarantine

[Slightly funny Jew @Dani_Feld]

I miss Brexit.

[Slightly funny Jew @Dani_Feld]

Anyway, long story short, when you ask your boss if you can ‘work from home’, it helps if you don’t use air quotes.

[Slightly funny Jew @Dani_Feld]

Let's go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for this all to blow over.

#coronovirusuk

[Slightly funny Jew @Dani_Feld]

Let's go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for this all to blow over.

#coronovirusuk

[Slightly funny Jew @Dani_Feld]

Christmas is a time for family.

As long as they give me presents.

[Slightly funny Jew @Dani_Feld]

I'm Jewish, but not 'works on Christmas Day' Jewish.

[Slightly funny Jew @Dani_Feld]

Commuter: *sneezes*

Every single person on the Tube: