𐤃‎𐤀𐤍𐤉𐤄𐤋‎

Maybe this _is_ my alt... 🏳️‍🌈🇪🇺

[𐤃‎𐤀𐤍𐤉𐤄𐤋‎ @DanielKearney]

Shame Argentina didn't lose. Now I have nothing to masturbate to tonight

[𐤃‎𐤀𐤍𐤉𐤄𐤋‎ @DanielKearney]

Dear Nigel, I recently purchased the Important Announcement™, so you can only imagine my shock and disappointment when upon delivery I realised I'd actually received the Unhinged Fanny Attack™

[𐤃‎𐤀𐤍𐤉𐤄𐤋‎ @DanielKearney]

Farage triggers a by-election and Milkshake Girl stands as a candidate and spends the whole time following him making hissing noises is what's in my wank bank today

[𐤃‎𐤀𐤍𐤉𐤄𐤋‎ @DanielKearney]

@keewa @wmarybeard Why don't they just hide it until it's back in stock? Or just say it's out of stock?

[𐤃‎𐤀𐤍𐤉𐤄𐤋‎ @DanielKearney]

@f_j_j_ @wmarybeard Oh my god my colleague does this and it drives me round the absolute fucking BEND!

[𐤃‎𐤀𐤍𐤉𐤄𐤋‎ @DanielKearney]

the wait is for the rail replacement bus to hitchin from Luton. So that's a succession of failures from you. Are you going bust? Did you sack all the staff and replace them with AI? Are you another victim of enshittification? Not gonna bother with your app if you can't do facts..

[𐤃‎𐤀𐤍𐤉𐤄𐤋‎ @DanielKearney]

Everyone's like, Dan why won't you dance? And well maybe if you played Party Fears Two then maybe I'll fucking dance

[𐤃‎𐤀𐤍𐤉𐤄𐤋‎ @DanielKearney]

Damn no I take antidepressants and still masturbate myself into a stupor. But at least I've stopped having breakdowns at work. And that's what matters!

[𐤃‎𐤀𐤍𐤉𐤄𐤋‎ @DanielKearney]

I'm tweeting cos otherwise I'll send unsolicited dick pics to everyone. Basically in the same way I stick those nicotine pouches in my gums instead of smoking. Or how I take antidepressants instead of masturbating myself into a stupor

[𐤃‎𐤀𐤍𐤉𐤄𐤋‎ @DanielKearney]

Subscribe to my podcast

[𐤃‎𐤀𐤍𐤉𐤄𐤋‎ @DanielKearney]

You know why it's so hot? Cos all the steam coming out of Greta Thunberg's ears

[𐤃‎𐤀𐤍𐤉𐤄𐤋‎ @DanielKearney]

I said it yesterday and I'll say it tomorrow but if you fucking thing your bag deserves a seat then the 1st class is at the front of the train sister. Honey I paid £5480 for a season ticket and that did not include a discretionary bag ho

[𐤃‎𐤀𐤍𐤉𐤄𐤋‎ @DanielKearney]

Oi @MagnumIceCream I know you gonna be like lol yas engagement - But that scented advertising you've done in the underpass between Kings Cross St Pancras Tube and St Pancras Train Station smells like a robot did a Swarfega shit. Fucking cut it out you hateful goblins!

[𐤃‎𐤀𐤍𐤉𐤄𐤋‎ @DanielKearney]

I fucking hate this

I fucking hate it hate it hate hate hate it fucking hate hate fucking hate

[𐤃‎𐤀𐤍𐤉𐤄𐤋‎ @DanielKearney]

This may be the wankiest, cuntiest thing I say in 2026 but the way the girls at Leon at London bridge can smash out a chargrilled chicken burger within 6 seconds of ordering on a Friday night is astonishing beyond words

[𐤃‎𐤀𐤍𐤉𐤄𐤋‎ @DanielKearney]

I mean I work in a relatively unpolitical work environment but even I know which of my colleagues to, you know, keep at arms length. If you be thinking Jenrick is your friend then you may want to do a psych evening class?

[𐤃‎𐤀𐤍𐤉𐤄𐤋‎ @DanielKearney]

I believe I deserve the nobel peace prize because I'm a big boy now and I know how to do potty

[𐤃‎𐤀𐤍𐤉𐤄𐤋‎ @DanielKearney]

If you see something that doesn't look right, stick it up your bum, do a little wiggle, focus on the sensation, how does it feel?