Darien Clark

I can talk to animals.

[Darien Clark @Darienclark]

@KatLaRonde Peace and Prosperity to you. https://t.co/xBZVOoXENX

[Darien Clark @Darienclark]

I'm having Andrew order something new for me from our neighborhood Indian restaurant and I half expect Bollywood#2 to ask him if he's cheating on me with a new girl. THEY GOT MY BACK.

[Darien Clark @Darienclark]

*gets new yoga pants in mail*
*puts on new yoga pants*
*drips egg yolk on lap*
ME: "Welcome to your new life, pants."

[Darien Clark @Darienclark]

Fixer Upper family: “😀We’re Patricia and Dave and we have 3 beautiful children. We’re looki-“
Me: (looks at TV)
Me: “Your children are ok. Calm down, Patricia.”

[Darien Clark @Darienclark]

Stopped mid-run today to help 4 crows open a plastic container of chicken nuggets sitting on a library bench. Opened the nuggets, gave a double thumbs up to the sky and yelled "REMEMBER ME!" as I ran away. #insurance #crowswillruleusall #feastforcrows

[Darien Clark @Darienclark]

Cashier: Happy Holidays!
Me: What are you, a communist? Happy Hondadays to you, good sir.

[Darien Clark @Darienclark]

I just dropped my iPhone onto my avocado toast and then tweeted about it. Literally the most #millennial experience of my life.

[Darien Clark @Darienclark]

The only solace I gain from watching people get a fully remodeled house for 250k on HGTV is knowing that ALL those staging plants will die.

[Darien Clark @Darienclark]

I call shenanigans on the phrase "eats like a bird" - I just saw a seagull carrying an entire Belgian waffle in her beak.

[Darien Clark @Darienclark]

Every time I eat gazpacho, I'm like "why don't I eat more gazpacho" and also Hi, I'm super boring guys WELCOME TO THIS FUN HOUSE!

[Darien Clark @Darienclark]

I just got excited about Thanksgiving. #mashedpotatoesyall #mashedpotatoes

[Darien Clark @Darienclark]

@Scaramucci

[Darien Clark @Darienclark]

Just finished the last episode of #DownwardDog and I already miss it! Someone please pick it up again!

[Darien Clark @Darienclark]

😂 😂😂We had questions after Lost. 😂😂😂 #TwinPeaks2017

[Darien Clark @Darienclark]

Y'all, I would've taken an I voted selfie, but I look busted as hell today. How about I take one in 2 weeks when I'm ovulating, K?

[Darien Clark @Darienclark]

How many robots are actually on the internet trying to take surveys? That's like the most boring thing a robot would do anyway.

[Darien Clark @Darienclark]

We were all so preoccupied with whether or not we could create all this unicorn-colored food that we never stopped to ask if we should.

[Darien Clark @Darienclark]

The most satisfying part of wedding planning so far has been making the most bomb-ass of spreadsheets ever.

[Darien Clark @Darienclark]

Heckling and judging hard. This is my Avengers. #BHdogshow

[Darien Clark @Darienclark]

😭😭😭I just saw a fucking fox cross the street and I'm dead. 😭😭😭