Funny One Liners

I follow back!!! #funny #jokes

[Funny One Liners @DatFunnyShiz]

[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]

[Funny One Liners @DatFunnyShiz]

I once took a girl to Starbucks because I forgot her name

[Funny One Liners @DatFunnyShiz]

If you can't tell the difference between delivery and DiGiorno there's a good chance you've been fooled by a tranny once or twice too

[Funny One Liners @DatFunnyShiz]

If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unnatractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

[Funny One Liners @DatFunnyShiz]

It's a humbling moment when you
realize your dog or cat has actually
trained you to do something.

[Funny One Liners @DatFunnyShiz]

I wonder if Magic Johnson ever regrets wasting the world's best porn name on a basketball career...

[Funny One Liners @DatFunnyShiz]

I wonder if wolves wear t shirts with pictures of virgins on them

[Funny One Liners @DatFunnyShiz]

Wife's a big tennis fan, telling me how disgusting she finds the constant grunting during the women's matches.
I have promised her I'll stop

[Funny One Liners @DatFunnyShiz]

Why did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
Because because Burger King did not wrap his whopper.

[Funny One Liners @DatFunnyShiz]

Bicycle cop- "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Me- "Because I let you"

[Funny One Liners @DatFunnyShiz]

"Sir, can I ask why you're smoking TWO huge blunts?"
"Officer, I'm..." *turns to camera*
"Double jointed"
*cop starts breakdancing*

[Funny One Liners @DatFunnyShiz]

After 6 miserably failed dates, I'm starting to think my lucky wife beater isn't so lucky after all.

[Funny One Liners @DatFunnyShiz]

All my fish keep dying

I don't think there's enough straw in their cage.

[Funny One Liners @DatFunnyShiz]

Marriage is supposed to be permanent.

It's like a tattoo that yells at you

[Funny One Liners @DatFunnyShiz]

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

[Funny One Liners @DatFunnyShiz]

Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst."
Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

[Funny One Liners @DatFunnyShiz]

I bought some shoes from my drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day

[Funny One Liners @DatFunnyShiz]

You never realize how many folks you hate until you have to name your child.

[Funny One Liners @DatFunnyShiz]

I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup today.

Im expecting a massive vowel movement.

[Funny One Liners @DatFunnyShiz]

If you're wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don't google 'old man bond age'