David “Dave” Croatto

i was the first to call Target “Tar-jay” - and it’s made me a *very* wealthy man.

[David “Dave” Croatto @DaveCroatto]

Enjoyed The Batman *but* was distracted by the constant presence of the Batman Calzony. It’s in EVERY scene. More than once, Batman ignores a crime because he’s “busy calzonin’”. Pattinsons gruff Batman voice made worse by his mouth constantly being full of marina and pepperoni.

[David “Dave” Croatto @DaveCroatto]

There’s an alternate timeline where cancer gets cured because Inigo Montoya’s father died of leukemia

[David “Dave” Croatto @DaveCroatto]

The problem with comedy - especially visual jokes - is that it’s never as funny the second time. But holy shit - hats off to the cybertruck. Every single time I see one, it cracks me up like it’s the first time. An absolute masterpiece of rewatchable comedy!

[David “Dave” Croatto @DaveCroatto]

Look for the helpers. And then film them. That heartwarming content can be monetized, allowing you to take your brand to the next level.

[David “Dave” Croatto @DaveCroatto]

I don’t collect vinyl, and I don’t know how my brain’s wiring works - but every record store makes me want to own a nicer couch

[David “Dave” Croatto @DaveCroatto]

“Okay, it’s just four years….”

The last 48 hours have felt like 3 months

[David “Dave” Croatto @DaveCroatto]

Waiting for the weekend to watch the election results with my boys - NO SPOILERS!

[David “Dave” Croatto @DaveCroatto]

Huge night for American history buffs! Either getting our very first female President or very last democratic election!

[David “Dave” Croatto @DaveCroatto]

Its easy to just ignore him entirely once you acknowledge that he’s a shitty boglin who isn’t debating anything in good faith

[belak🌪️ @kalebjackson00]

AHHHH shes back and she gagged ben shapiro like i dont think yall understand how obsessed i am

[David “Dave” Croatto @DaveCroatto]

Jesus Christ, autocorrect, I never want to say “ducking”

[David “Dave” Croatto @DaveCroatto]

Excited for Election Day to see what version of reality we vote for!

[David “Dave” Croatto @DaveCroatto]

As a treat to my brain, sometimes i don’t check if it’s a Clickhole headline

[Variety @Variety]

Helen Mirren says she feels “sad” that Kurt Cobain is no longer alive because he never got the chance to experience GPS and its “magical” functionality.

“I always say, it’s so sad that Kurt Cobain died when he did, because he never saw GPS,” Mirren said. “GPS is the most wonderful thing, to watch my little blue spot walking down the street. I just find it completely magical and unbelievable.”

Read more here: https://t.co/85CfOMEOmK

[Variety @Variety]

Helen Mirren says she feels “sad” that Kurt Cobain is no longer alive because he never got the chance to experience GPS and its “magical” functionality.

“I always say, it’s so sad that Kurt Cobain died when he did, because he never saw GPS,” Mirren said. “GPS is the most wonderful thing, to watch my little blue spot walking down the street. I just find it completely magical and unbelievable.”

Read more here: https://t.co/85CfOMEOmK

[David “Dave” Croatto @DaveCroatto]

Kamala’s donation requests are getting hyper-specific

[David “Dave” Croatto @DaveCroatto]

There are 2 things Americans strongly believe in: not spending a lot on gas, and owning a car that gets 7 miles per gallon.

[David “Dave” Croatto @DaveCroatto]

During these scary times in the Middle East, we NEED president Trump tweeting about how Sierra Mist is better than Mountain Dew and how something has to be done!!!!

[David “Dave” Croatto @DaveCroatto]

@InternetHippo My new business card

[David “Dave” Croatto @DaveCroatto]

Has anyone looked into the correlation between all the gun violence and all the guns?

[David “Dave” Croatto @DaveCroatto]

That’s crazy - he’s her target audience!

[David “Dave” Croatto @DaveCroatto]

To all the republicans who are now renouncing trump as unfit, unstable and untrustworthy - welcome to the winning team!

Also, he’s always been like this and you always fucking knew it.