David Mascorro

Comedian at Comedy. Former Baby, Potential Older Person. I like every minute of the day.

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

Alfredo Sauce is just Ranch Dressing with a Passport.

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

Ugh, imagine the amount of banter in a DUTCH BROS job interview?

[Retro Recall (☥𝐃𝐁) @RetroMoviesDB]

The perfect candle doesn't exi....

[Chicago Bears @ChicagoBears]

NEVER A DOUBT

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

“It started with a Ta-da… and is ending with a Ta-Davorce” - Newly single Magician

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

“Trick or Treat Yourself” - Me, all October

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

Broccoli rabe sounds less like a veggie & more like a guy named Rob who clears rooms with his farts.

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

Imagine living in a haunted house and being stuck with a high 30-year mortgage rate.

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

That was messy. But a win is a win. #GoBears

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

Really pulling for the Cubs in the playoffs this season—maybe they can finally fix the hole in time and space they tore open back in 2016.

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

Stand-up comedy is like a 💩-ty stepdad…it’s loud, disappointing, and insists it’s “just joking” when it hurts my feelings. #joke

[Bearsszn @bearszn]

By the end of today I will either be severely depressed or absolutely on top of the world.

I can’t wait 🐻 ⬇️

[Alex Cole @acnewsitics]

These Coldplay concerts are getting out of hand.

[i like food @messedupfoods]

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

Damn, you sell your plasma once (fine, 12 times) and now they text like you’re in a committed relationship

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

You know you need to get off social media and get some sleep when your algorithm suddenly goes “JOKER COSPLAY” all of a sudden.

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

I don’t ever get “Fat Guy Horny” at work but today the office elevator smelled like fresh pizza.

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

Damn, shots fired Old Navy. Tell me how you really feel…

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

You Up? - Antarctica Texting Anyone

[David Mascorro @DavidMascorro]

“I’m addicted to TRUE CRIME” - Target Shoplifter