days

25 year old comedian from Minnesota the state @vdays

[days @Dayscd]

worst day of my fucking life

[DiscussingFilm @DiscussingFilm]

Young Sheldon has ended.

[Dan Licata @danlicatasucks]

A man is diagnosed w/ mental health. His mental health doctor tells him to watch Ted Lasso. "But doctor...I am Jason Sudeckis (da guy who plays Ted)." Da doctor is confused. "I thought you had a mustache." "No it is a fake mustache for my character." Then da doctor ODs on purpose

[days @Dayscd]

@propism Stonks lol like from 2017 remenber 2017? It’s like stonks from 2017

[days @Dayscd]

I don’t know why ppl say ‘Tough as snails’ snails are not tough. I eat them with little to no resistance, with my teeth.

[days @Dayscd]

Tough as snails

[days @Dayscd]

I been eatin straight dog food from the can I don’t give a fuck about anything

[days @Dayscd]

@moll11y The mile fry club, for people who have sex with hamburger

[Brooks Otterlake @i_zzzzzz]

It’s a nice idea but it’s making me hungry and I am nowhere near the museum. They have no solution for people in my situation

[descriptive display name that is way too long and @mrgracemugabe]

Oh James “Gunn” has been “fired”? What next, are they going to hire Bob Sword to “slash” the budgets???

[days @Dayscd]

@shmegmoid Thank you I am a geneiois

[days @Dayscd]

Love him or hate him, SpongeBob is friend with Patrick so if you wanna watch the show he’s gonna be there. sorry.

[jill @littlefucky]

A new film by @mera_angelgirl and I. Please enjoy….

[howard @mistahowie]

Coworker Jerry: *raising his voice to get entire office’s attention* Hey everyone!*pulling his pants all the way down* Haha! Gotcha! 😋

Me: Jerry you sly dog 😂 *thinking im tweeting from my burner but texting my wife instead* That one male friend you have sexual tension with

[days @Dayscd]

[The Hugging Cop] Freeze! Put your hands behind my back!

[days @Dayscd]

Zoophiles fav food is probably Animal Cracker, probably. I wouldn’t know. But probably.

[days @Dayscd]

@C9EmZ Happy birthday ‼️

[April Clark @autogynefiles]

Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Doctor says: “Treatment is simple. Famous clown, Pagliacci, is performing tonight. Boil him. Pagliacci soup is the cure.

[days @Dayscd]

He’s hell…

[Dr. R. J. Vein @VeinRichard]

Oh this dent in my head? (leaning in and whispering) I F. E. Double Hockey Stick

[days @Dayscd]

@TreyLazlo Yeah but not as much as this freak

[Thomas White @len0killer]

This man’s retired FBI, good luck getting him back. Even for one mission. Unless you can send one guy to his house to ask him