Jan Gudaitis

Stand-up comic, writer and public speaking.

[Jan Gudaitis @DeadpanJan]

@TomAThakkar Don’t they have big bonging clocks in England? Doesn’t she like Big Ben?

[Jan Gudaitis @DeadpanJan]

@TomAThakkar Congratulations!!!! Wishing you many, many years of happiness!!!

[Jan Gudaitis @DeadpanJan]

@andyerikson That’s great news! Congratulations!!!!

[Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt]

A Supreme Court Justice has been missing for a week after iron-clad evidence has surfaced of his wife conspiring to overthrow the government I mean this is such a nothingburger story, right?

[Jan Gudaitis @DeadpanJan]

@TheSofiya My grandfather was from Kiev too. He would claw out of his grave to fight if he could.

[Sofiya Alexandra @TheSofiya]

The thing that breaks my heart is Odessa is considered the Capital of Humor. On April 1st we celebrate like crazy (Юморина): huge parade w/ costumes, clowns, dancers, mimes (I KNOW) & decorate statues w/ tinfoil. As a comic I’m biased, but to attack the laugh of Ukraine is low

[George Conway ⚖️🇺🇸 @gtconway3d]

"This is genius. Bin Laden takes down these buildings with a couple of planes. How smart is that? That's pretty savvy.

"Bin Laden liked me. I liked him. Had I been in office, this wouldn't have happened."

— What former president Clinton did not say on Sept. 11, 2001

[Al Franken @alfranken]

W looked into Putin’s eyes & saw his soul. Trump looked & saw Trump Tower Moscow. Biden looked & saw an evil fuck.

[Jan Gudaitis @DeadpanJan]

@birbigs It’s a tragedy that people refuse vaccinations. Don’t they realize a larger percentage of Republicans are dying and that there will be fewer of them to vote in November.

[Jan Gudaitis @DeadpanJan]

@CrippleThreat8 Congratulations!

[Mark Cuban @mcuban]

Incredible

[David Hogg 🟧 @davidhogg111]

Sign up to be notified when #GoodPillow is available for preorder: https://t.co/luoM4tJOH1

(We promise we won't send you unsolicited bible quotes)

[Katie Rogers @katierogers]

Mitt Romney has had a wild 24 hours. Getting screamed at in an airport, sitting aboard a crowded plane as MAGA passengers chanted "traitor" at him, sheltering in the capitol, and then calling for elected leaders to tell the truth. Strength of character personified.

[Jan Gudaitis @DeadpanJan]

@_RobertSchultz You keep it so you’ll have a place to use when you meet your soul mate.

[James Phillips, MD, FACEP @DrPhillipsMD]

Today, I worked my final shift at Walter Reed ER. I will miss the patients and my military and civilian coworkers - they have been overwhelmingly supportive. I’m honored to have worked there and I look forward to new opportunities. I stand by my words, and I regret nothing.

[Senator Adam Schiff @SenAdamSchiff]

This week, Republicans objected to giving workers $1,200 checks to pay rent and feed their families.

Why? 

“The deficit.”

They didn’t care about the deficit when they passed $2 trillion in tax cuts for big corporations and millionaires.

The biggest deficit is in their values.

[Jimmy Fallon @jimmyfallon]

It’s Hashtags time! Tweet out a funny or weird time you had a holiday decoration disaster, and tag it with #DecorationDisaster. Could be on the show!

[Senator Adam Schiff @SenAdamSchiff]

When given the opportunity to purchase additional vaccine doses, Trump passed.

And now, fewer Americans will be vaccinated before June.

Make no mistake, Trump's incompetence will cost American lives. It already has.

So much for America first.

[The Lincoln Project @ProjectLincoln]

Things are looking up, @realDonaldTrump.

[Ari Berman @AriBerman]

There have been more Trump aides who’ve tested positive for coronavirus since the election than documented cases of voter fraud