Definitely not Ryan Reynolds.

Name’s Pool, Dead. Bringing you the wisest of cracks and finally in the MCU. Oh! And I guess I’m here for fuckin’ role play. So, did you bring your maid outfit?

[Definitely not Ryan Reynolds. @DeadpoolTweets]

“Daddy needs to express some rage.

- Cue the music!”

• Flipped but not new to Deadpool.
• Literate and descriptive.
• Mature content ahead, duh!
• 18+ followers ONLY.
• 10+ years experienced writer.
• Offensive.

Retweets, likes and reach arounds are appreciated.

[Definitely not Ryan Reynolds. @DeadpoolTweets]

To the lady who was filming her kid getting off The Legend, I’m sorry for saying “I sat on my fuckin balls!” as I also exited the ride. Had no idea you were recording. Making memories I guess. #HolidayWorld

[Definitely not Ryan Reynolds. @DeadpoolTweets]

Hey @DrSquatchSoapCo — Sydney Sweeney bathwater soap? Bold. Risky. Slightly arousing.

If I don’t end up on a watchlist after using it, did I even exfoliate?

Send a box. For science. 🔬🧼 #DeadpoolApproved #SoFreshSoSweeney

[Definitely not Ryan Reynolds. @DeadpoolTweets]

Well, well, well.

Look who’s back. Your favorite Merc with a Mouth. Just in time for the holidays, too.

And yes, you may sit on my lap. 🎅

[Definitely not Ryan Reynolds. @DeadpoolTweets]

Happy Thanksgiving, you little turkey stuffers. Remember that if the pumpkin pie has a suspicious looking hole in the middle, your drunk uncle may need to shower.

[Definitely not Ryan Reynolds. @DeadpoolTweets]

So @Twitter is platform that lets everyone exercise their #FreedomOfSpeech rights.

Unless you’re talking shit or poking fun at @elonmusk - then you’re censored like late night skinamax channels.

[Definitely not Ryan Reynolds. @DeadpoolTweets]

Then be sure to clearly check their profiles because not everyone is going to put it in their display name.

In other news, sounds like someone’s insecure since the whole Amber Heard situation.

[Elon Musk @elonmusk]

Going forward, any Twitter handles engaging in impersonation without clearly specifying “parody” will be permanently suspended

[Definitely not Ryan Reynolds. @DeadpoolTweets]

Couple more things, @elonmusk.
Since now that you bought Twitter (what’s next, MySpaceX?), couple more things I’m gonna need you to do.

1.) Bring back the classic Twitter logo.

2.) Make it 69 characters or less per tweet.

3.) Bring back dubstep.

[Definitely not Ryan Reynolds. @DeadpoolTweets]

An Elon Musk.

[Definitely not Ryan Reynolds. @DeadpoolTweets]

Sounds like you have some experience on that website, Elon. That screen looks suspiciously like the windshields on your Tesla’s… full of raging hot prom night sex and bad decisions.

[Definitely not Ryan Reynolds. @DeadpoolTweets]

So THIS is what @Marvel meant when they announced Daredevil will be IN She-Hulk. Bravo, @Kevfeige, bravo!

Maybe now we can get #Deadpool IN the #Avengers. Particularly #BlackWidow. She has the hots for me.

[Definitely not Ryan Reynolds. @DeadpoolTweets]

Spoiler alert.

Basically it’s the plot to “Few Good Men”. But with “1998 Best Kiss Nominee” Ryan Reynolds and “2008 People’s Magazine Sexiest Man Alive” Hugh Jackman.

[Ryan Reynolds @VancityReynolds]

Quick explainer video that tackles…
1)    Timeline questions
2)    Logan canon
3)    MCU FAQ
4)    Whether we can do this all day or not

[Definitely not Ryan Reynolds. @DeadpoolTweets]

This shits gonna have nuts in it!! Oh, I love good “Hugh”s like this. Get it? Hughs… news… fuck it then. 🫶🏼

[Ryan Reynolds @VancityReynolds]

Hard keeping my mouth sewn shut about this one. ⚔️

[Definitely not Ryan Reynolds. @DeadpoolTweets]

@HBHuntrss Not when I’m awake.

[Definitely not Ryan Reynolds. @DeadpoolTweets]

Just to be clear…. Can I hit you with my best shot on your sheets? I just washed mine.

[Definitely not Ryan Reynolds. @DeadpoolTweets]

Oh! Hello, Twitter.

[Definitely not Ryan Reynolds. @DeadpoolTweets]

@HBHuntrss “I meant on* - silly me. Writer must be jerking off and trying to type at the same time.”

Whispers.

“He’s a righty.”

[Definitely not Ryan Reynolds. @DeadpoolTweets]

@HBHuntrss @IKEAUSA “So feisty. You’re definitely from the DC Universe. But let me save you the trouble because I can’t die. I’m Deadpool and I enjoy long walks on the beach, Hugh Jackman’s Sexiest Man Alive magazines and gentle reach arounds in the mornings. But only oh Tuesdays and Friday’s.”