Devon Newport

Writer | A wise person once told me old pizza is better than no pizza. I firmly believe that.

[Devon Newport @DevonNewport]

Wrote this over the course of a couple days while on paternity leave. Usually in between diaper changes. Feel free to add to it in the comments.

https://t.co/rf5VA3W7q8

[Devon Newport @DevonNewport]

Some heroes wear capes, some have a bushy red mustache. https://t.co/pCHTs8TmSV

[Devon Newport @DevonNewport]

Stick figure (who may or may not be me) + tasty food + bike = modern day stock torture https://t.co/CPdfXSd56J

[Devon Newport @DevonNewport]

A couple of couch potatoes

[Devon Newport @DevonNewport]

This is my dog’s friend, Quacky. If it looks like he’s giving me a dirty look, it’s because he is. The other day we all went out to eat and I left him with the bill.

[Devon Newport @DevonNewport]

Things you don’t like as a kid:
1. Coffee
2. NPR

Things you like as an adult:
1. Coffee
2. NPR

[Devon Newport @DevonNewport]

A couple of my co-workers had Lebanese food for lunch yesterday. Today, one of them called in sick, the food perhaps playing a role. The other one, upon hearing this news, said, “I’m sorry to hear that he’s sick.” And then, after a brief pause, he added, “I falafel.”

[Devon Newport @DevonNewport]

I know we’re over a month into 2018, but I’m still having a tough time writing 2018.

[Devon Newport @DevonNewport]

A few certainties during extremely cold weather:

1. Things will freeze
2. Stores and schools will close
3. A handful of people will still wear shorts

[Devon Newport @DevonNewport]

@JoyShepD Haha this is amazing

[Devon Newport @DevonNewport]

*pulls koala out of hat*

magician: koila!

[Devon Newport @DevonNewport]

Just when I was getting used to saying 2018

[Devon Newport @DevonNewport]

*walks into hot yoga studio, begins seductive strip tease*

yoga instructor, appalled: what are you doing?

*semi-naked, looking up from ‘down dog’*: “not that type of hot yoga?”

[Devon Newport @DevonNewport]

Hmm, the last bite of pizza I had was incredibly hot, BUUUTTT it’s been a full two seconds since then, so I think I’ll go ahead and take another bite.

[Devon Newport @DevonNewport]

I think the closest I ever come to understanding the sheer vastness of the universe is when my wife asks me to get something out of her purse.

[Devon Newport @DevonNewport]

When you realize the dry erase marker was, in fact, a sharpie

[Devon Newport @DevonNewport]

Shoutout to the people who quietly go about their work everyday and maybe don’t receive the praise they deserve. Like my cousin’s pet turtle named Kevin.

[Devon Newport @DevonNewport]

*Girl cow walks by*

Boy cow: hay girl hay

[Devon Newport @DevonNewport]

*a rather charismatic ball of yarn

[Devon Newport @DevonNewport]

A mostly true story about a guy* I know. https://t.co/l4MBoiU2tq