Fake Dick Umile

Fictitious head coach of the unlucky University of New Hampshire hockey team. I enjoy yelling at 20-somethings and obnoxiously whistling for line changes.

[Fake Dick Umile @DickUmile]

Why is everyone focused on us blowing a 3 goal lead? We came back from a one goal deficit earlier and everyone seems to forget that.

[Fake Dick Umile @DickUmile]

It's March in a do or die game and I hold a 4-1 lead. What could go wrong? Wait, 4-2?! 4-3?!?!

[Fake Dick Umile @DickUmile]

Good news about playing at Fenway: so many more girls in the stands than the Whit. Bad news: they're so much harder to see this far away.

[Fake Dick Umile @DickUmile]

If we could fit this rink in the infield, than why not put an olympic size one in the outfield? #MovetheWhittoFenway #FrozenFenway

[Fake Dick Umile @DickUmile]

Just found some mail from U.S. national team dated a month ago. Asking for info on some of my players. Anyone know what this is about?

[Fake Dick Umile @DickUmile]

Imagining what it would be like if HBO followed us around 24/7. Would they make me wear pants or just block it out? Decisions, decisions.

[Fake Dick Umile @DickUmile]

So this is what it takes to get my players to the Whitt during finals week. RT @T_Scott1 David guetta line with pavs #sleepwhenyourdead

[Fake Dick Umile @DickUmile]

Corey Trivino scored the game-winner against us on Saturday. By my reading of the rules, that means his goal doesn't count. #UmilesRules

[Fake Dick Umile @DickUmile]

Corey Trivino was really never able to finish... #JokesGoneTooFar?

[Fake Dick Umile @DickUmile]

Your players have to attempt rape?!?! You should see how easy it is for my players to get laid. RT @FakeJackParker Uh oh.

[Fake Dick Umile @DickUmile]

Oh boy. @FakeJackParker is getting make up done outside the locker room right now. Someone tell him no one watches games on WBIN.

[Fake Dick Umile @DickUmile]

Let the chirping begin. See you and your sieve soon. RT @FakeJackParker It's a fabulous day to cook some frozen pizza. #DiGirolamo

[Fake Dick Umile @DickUmile]

#Puttwowordstogethermakeaninsult BostonCollege

[Fake Dick Umile @DickUmile]

@FakeJerryYork @FakeJackParker Fcuk fof u pussi nd go jion the supperrr conferense. We'll be fineeeeee.

[Fake Dick Umile @DickUmile]

These cars at the race look like a bunch of @StevieMoses22 at the Whitt. Nothing gets me going like speed. And yes, I mean both kinds.

[Fake Dick Umile @DickUmile]

Tailgated the race with @FakeJackParker. He didn't get the wife beater memo.

[Fake Dick Umile @DickUmile]

#wordsthatdescribeme: clutch

[Fake Dick Umile @DickUmile]

And you guys wondered why I didn't release the schedule until now. That Harvard, Alabama-Hunts, UMass-Lowell stretch is going to be brutal.

[Fake Dick Umile @DickUmile]

Can't think of a comeback. So FUCK OFF! RT @PrezHuddleston If #UNH rioted like Vancouver when we lost big games, Durham would be so screwed.

[Fake Dick Umile @DickUmile]

People are wondering why we haven't sent out our schedule. If I could just figure out this damn #UNH email, I would submit it to the commish