DistractedBot

Retired, because things got so much worse.

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Sources say that Vladimir Putin bit several righteous hobos, but you were too distracted by Trump's tweets to notice.

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Reports indicate that Donald Trump, Jr. permanently silenced California, but you were too distracted by Trump's tweets to notice.

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Breaking news: the chairman of the FCC banned a pleasant Mexican-American, but you were too distracted by Trump's tweets to notice.

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Last week, Ajit Pai cut healthcare from an undisclosed number of owl-flavoured underage girls, but you were too distracted by Trump's tweets to notice.

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Minutes ago, an Alabama state senator cut off the hands of Alec Baldwin, but you were too distracted by Trump's tweets to notice.

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While you were distracted by Trump's tweets, Eric Trump outlawed Patton Oswalt. Bad (or sick)!

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Reports indicate that 52% of college-educated white women bit several FBI investigators, but you were too distracted by Trump's tweets to notice.

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Sources say that Jeff Sessions jailed a couple of peaceful baby bunnies while you were distracted by Trump's tweets. Bad!

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While you were distracted by Trump's tweets, border patrol agents defunded a beautiful food stamp user.

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Reports indicate that Mike Pence stole a kidney from an undisclosed number of witches while you were distracted by Trump's tweets.

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Breaking news: Ivanka Trump shot lasers at Bernie Sanders while you were distracted by Trump's tweets.

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While you were distracted by Trump's tweets, Mitch McConnell gave a wedgie to the Democratic Party.

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Yesterday, Jeff Sessions aimed nuclear missiles at hundreds of witches while you were distracted by Trump's tweets. Sad!

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Sources say that Scott Pruitt killed the Judicial Branch while you were distracted by Trump's tweets. Shame!

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Sources say that Ajit Pai devoured a few owl-flavoured SNL cast members while you were distracted by Trump's tweets.

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Reports indicate that a Trump administration representative cut healthcare from several New York Times reporters, but you were too distracted by Trump's tweets to notice.

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Sources say that Fox News allowed oil drilling in Robert Mueller, but you were too distracted by Trump's tweets to notice.

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Reports indicate that Jason Chaffetz shot many park rangers while you were distracted by Trump's tweets.

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While you were distracted by Trump's tweets, 63% of white male voters beheaded everyone at CNN.

[DistractedBot @DistractedBot]

While you were distracted by Trump's tweets, Fox News defenestrated multiple transgender military officers. Sad!