Dream Reaver

Just a burner. Dark humor and inappropriateness

[Dream Reaver @Dream_Reaver]

I love my birthday. It reminds me of all the email lists I need to unsubscribe from.

[Dream Reaver @Dream_Reaver]

It's extremely rare and usually tragic to actually know someone their whole life.

#showerthoughts

[Dream Reaver @Dream_Reaver]

I can get more done during the microwave minute than any other minute in the day.

[Dream Reaver @Dream_Reaver]

When you're renting a house:
Ugh call maintenance something broke again.

After buying a house:
Yay we get to go doorknob shopping now!

[Dream Reaver @Dream_Reaver]

Ever been so hungover you find yourself eating pizza in the bathroom with a knife and fork?

#hangover #SundayMorning

[Dream Reaver @Dream_Reaver]

I don't hang out with anyone that buys Thrive products because I refuse to associate with someone that fiscally irresponsible
#thrive #dumb

[Dream Reaver @Dream_Reaver]

There are two kinds of women in the world.

Women who are horrified by their own queefs and women who thing they are hysterical.

#Friyay

[Dream Reaver @Dream_Reaver]

There is no way you could get the entire NFL to bow down to you in one day.

Trump *cracks his knuckles* "watch this!"

[Dream Reaver @Dream_Reaver]

Ever been so horny that dogs cross the street when you walk by?

#sexonthemind #comeherebitch #bitchmeansdog #thattookaweirdturn

[Dream Reaver @Dream_Reaver]

The sexiest thing a woman can do with her mouth is shut the fuck up.

#sexy #youresomuchprettierwhenyoudonttalk

[Dream Reaver @Dream_Reaver]

Being a parent means secretly sexting "I want my balls in your mouth" while kids run around screaming that Disney song for the nth time

[Dream Reaver @Dream_Reaver]

Women don't understand how men can think about nothing.

Sometimes I am literally walking along just singing my steps to myself in my head.

[Dream Reaver @Dream_Reaver]

The only people that think women are funny are women.

Someone had to say it.

[Dream Reaver @Dream_Reaver]

We should call the 2000-2010 decade the naughties

[Dream Reaver @Dream_Reaver]

1977
Him: brings flowers
Her: som1's getin their fav dinner!
2017
Him: got u a Monster
Her: some1's getting some ballslurping deepthroat!

[Dream Reaver @Dream_Reaver]

#newaccountwhodis