Dr. Pickles PhD

I drink, I hear things, and then I write them down.

[Dr. Pickles PhD @DrunkThingWeSay]

“You don’t squirt like I hurt.”

[Dr. Pickles PhD @DrunkThingWeSay]

“I want to lose this garnet ring in a chick’s asshole.”

[Dr. Pickles PhD @DrunkThingWeSay]

“My dad invented the crouton!”

[Dr. Pickles PhD @DrunkThingWeSay]

“Imagine getting fucked in the ass by a care bear.”

[Dr. Pickles PhD @DrunkThingWeSay]

“Give me some alcohol and I’m a lean mean pussy fucking machine.”

[Dr. Pickles PhD @DrunkThingWeSay]

“The hawk-meister is sufficiently stumped.”

[Dr. Pickles PhD @DrunkThingWeSay]

“You have to wipe two times just to realize you only needed to wipe once.”

[Dr. Pickles PhD @DrunkThingWeSay]

“Sharks are older than trees so I think they’ve had plenty of time to figure out gravity by now.

[Dr. Pickles PhD @DrunkThingWeSay]

@roguebananna Are you saying it’s bald or French-Canadian?

[Dr. Pickles PhD @DrunkThingWeSay]

“Well you can drink on it pretty easily so that’s good.”

[Dr. Pickles PhD @DrunkThingWeSay]

“I’m pretty sure that’s probably the most illegal thing I could do right now so I’m not getting you coral.”

[Dr. Pickles PhD @DrunkThingWeSay]

“I’ve never needed to stamp anything but I like the idea that I could stamp anything I wanted...”

[Dr. Pickles PhD @DrunkThingWeSay]

@roguebananna Are alarm clock vibrators a thing? If not you should make it a thing. Patent it and fund your degree that way.

[Dr. Pickles PhD @DrunkThingWeSay]

@klhatteras I think that’s the only appropriate thing to do in this situation.

[Dr. Pickles PhD @DrunkThingWeSay]

@klhatteras That actually was the official plural of octopus up until 1984 when the James Bond franchise copyrighted the word. After that scientists had to come up with a new word or pay royalties every time they used it.

[Dr. Pickles PhD @DrunkThingWeSay]

Don’t want to discuss your issues? How about just screaming as loud as you can? I know you all feel like screaming.

[Dr. Pickles PhD @DrunkThingWeSay]

Most of you will be drinking alone tonight so why not do something good with that drunkenness? Drunk dial your senators and leave long voicemails discussing whatever issues you care about.

[Dr. Pickles PhD @DrunkThingWeSay]

Don’t want to call your senator? What about calling mine?
Mitch McConnell’s office number: [phone]

[Dr. Pickles PhD @DrunkThingWeSay]

@roguebananna Start taking all your nudes in profile. The odd angle will lend you an air of mystery as people wonder why but in reality it’s just to disguise a little lopsidedness.

[Dr. Pickles PhD @DrunkThingWeSay]

@MatureTrumpTwts Conan the Barbarian