Herman Duck Phillips

Gin Machine. I killed 17 men in Okinawa. Head Hunter. Ex-ad man for Sterling Cooper. Dog lover.

[Herman Duck Phillips @DuckyPhillips]

I am Lou Avery in disguise.

[Herman Duck Phillips @DuckyPhillips]

@UnemployedDon That mutt @chauncey_dog got what he deserved! Gin anyone?

[Herman Duck Phillips @DuckyPhillips]

Well now @DonDraperSCDP, have fun in rehab. We'll keep a keen eye on the SC&P whorehouse while you dry out and finalize your divorce.

[Herman Duck Phillips @DuckyPhillips]

I like this private investigator racket. Now opening a new company: Duck's Private Dicks. We'll sniff out closeted con men.

[Herman Duck Phillips @DuckyPhillips]

@SenileDonDraper I have a new client. Toe hair electric shavers. Want in?

[Herman Duck Phillips @DuckyPhillips]

@SterlingSCDP Former alcoholic. I'm reformed and born again. I now get liquored up on Christ. Maybe we can have a few shots of Jesus Juice?

[Herman Duck Phillips @DuckyPhillips]

That Bob Benson kid is creepy. Looks like a spy to me. Maybe Sterling can slip him some LSD?

[Herman Duck Phillips @DuckyPhillips]

I'm back, you sticky wickets. Anyone seen my dog?

[Herman Duck Phillips @DuckyPhillips]

Today is the only day of the year I can wake up on my front lawn without any pants on and still get a pass.

[Herman Duck Phillips @DuckyPhillips]

You drank 2 pints of rum in 90 mins? Thatsa impressive, even if it is spiced rum.

[Herman Duck Phillips @DuckyPhillips]

You do something nice for someone, and they shit all over you. Next time, buy your own hooch.

[Herman Duck Phillips @DuckyPhillips]

Most of the time, people only ask you a question because they really want you to ask them the same question. Passive-agrro bullshit.

[Herman Duck Phillips @DuckyPhillips]

Awkward returning to work after having a one-night stand with a secretary after the Xmas staff party.

[Herman Duck Phillips @DuckyPhillips]

If you're not a drinker or a pill popper, dealing with family during the holidays is as good excuse as any to start both habits.

[Herman Duck Phillips @DuckyPhillips]

You know that feeling when you start telling a story and everyone tunes you out & doesn't listen? Yeah, that's why I love the holidays!

[Herman Duck Phillips @DuckyPhillips]

I spend far more time into personalizing gifts than my family. They give me crappy clothes when all I want is booze.

[Herman Duck Phillips @DuckyPhillips]

Pro tip: liquor stores close early on Christmas so stock up. If you think you need 2 bottles, then get 3. Or maybe 4. Okay, 6. Get 6.

[Herman Duck Phillips @DuckyPhillips]

Also...note to self: create edible wrapping paper.

[Herman Duck Phillips @DuckyPhillips]

May your Christmas be merry and filled with endless cocktails!

[Herman Duck Phillips @DuckyPhillips]

My Jewish co-workers don't like it when I wish them a Merry Christmas, which is exactly the reason why I do it.