Duke University ➐

Parody

[Duke University ➐ @DukeUniversity9]

Students, look out for an incoming email for the next round of the Duke Senior Giving Challenge, where we ask you to donate to upholding the gate shields at our partner institution Shooters. If we can't see it, it technically doesn't go against our Covid policies!

[Duke University ➐ @DukeUniversity9]

Make sure to sign up for this course in the spring titled "Cancel culture does not exist for rich white men" taught by Tallman Trask, Chris Roy, and Larry Moneta!

[Duke University ➐ @DukeUniversity9]

Y'all really love telling on yourselves 🥴

[Duke University ➐ @DukeUniversity9]

"I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could pretend things were normal just for a brief moment in time." We love when our students get to travel the globe during a pandemic. #Dukedifference

[Duke University ➐ @DukeUniversity9]

To the students throwing parties during o-week, you are no longer welcome on campus. 😤 We heard that Berkshire had a couple of openings though, so please move these parties to that location, as we do not want to be embarrassed. Thoughts and prayers to Durham though 🙏🏽

[Duke University ➐ @DukeUniversity9]

We can't believe students on financial aid are complaining about not receiving their fin-aid packages even though school starts in four days. Just make it work luv, you're not gonna like it when you see it either. 😘

[Duke University ➐ @DukeUniversity9]

Duke cares about the global community first and foremost. We asked you to come back to Durham so that when we send all of you home in a week, we will spread the disease all over the world. Be blessed. 🙏

[Duke University ➐ @DukeUniversity9]

"Come as you are" is the phrase of the day. Unless you can't come because we cancelled the financial aid program and you can't afford off-campus housing. I hope you all find solace in these stressful times that we tried our best to exacerbate.

[Duke University ➐ @DukeUniversity9]

We will still allow Palantir, and Palantir alone to host virtual recruitment sessions this semester.

[Duke University ➐ @DukeUniversity9]

Before we hand out financial aid packages this year (do y'all really need that?), we must first figure out how much our grass maintenance will cost us. Since you will all be gone/quarantined in your dorm, we will reduce our maintenance schedule to just three times a day.

[Duke University ➐ @DukeUniversity9]

Our number one priority is the health of our students. That's why we have decided to open Wilson Gym to residents this fall, so you can get the disease while getting jacked.

[Duke University ➐ @DukeUniversity9]

We want you to know we hear your concerns. In response, we’ll be establishing 3 task forces and Tallman Trask is in charge of all of them. 💕

[Duke University ➐ @DukeUniversity9]

If you thought we weren't bold enough to do this to our seniors and also ask them to donate throughout the year, you are wrong. Our 8 billion endowment isn't enough and we are poor.

[Duke University ➐ @DukeUniversity9]

We are concerned and upset that the constant leaks of our incompetence forced us to be more competent than we wanted to be. It made more sense to us to ruin your lives tomorrow rather than today. But alas

[Duke University ➐ @DukeUniversity9]

If we cause sudden and unnecessary stress to our students, they will stop pestering us about "divesting from DUPD". Simple

[Duke University ➐ @DukeUniversity9]

We care deeply about the health and safety of our students. ❤️ However, this does not apply to our student-athletes. We need the free labor this year more than ever. Do you know how many people are going to be watching sports from home???

[Duke University ➐ @DukeUniversity9]

We heard your concerns about how an optional pass/fail grading system caused unnecessary stress to our students, especially those on low-income. Thus, we changed the grading system back to normal. If you don't have wifi, unfortunately that is not our problem.

[Duke University ➐ @DukeUniversity9]

Here at Duke, we believe in consistency. So when we displaced all of our students with two week notice back in March, we decided it would be best to do it again. You're welcome.

[Duke University ➐ @DukeUniversity9]

Yes, we did lease two whole apartments for our students that could have been used by the Durham community. Yes we are no longer housing anybody in those buildings. Both can be true. Stop bullying us.

[Duke University ➐ @DukeUniversity9]

Due to unforeseen circumstances, we will no longer be offering financial assistance to need-based students. We are not suffering financially ourselves, we just hate you.