Mortimer Dumas

Hello, my name is Mortimer but you can call me mort. I play golf I've been playing golf for the last 45 years me and my friends play golf and I always win.

[Mortimer Dumas @DumasMortimer]

I'm getting on an @Amtrak train right now and I'm planing a rather nefarious prank on my son

[Mortimer Dumas @DumasMortimer]

@PureLeaf I enjoy your raspberry tea

[Mortimer Dumas @DumasMortimer]

I turned the hot water off while my son was in the shower this morning, it was very funny and I struggled greatly to contain my laughter

[Mortimer Dumas @DumasMortimer]

I have just been diagnosed with massive cock and ball syndrome your mom says it's incurable

[Mortimer Dumas @DumasMortimer]

This is solved simply create a nude golf corse

[Paige Spiranac @PaigeSpiranac]

Pros and cons of Arizona golf in the summer

Pro-Cheap and no one on the course

Con-115

[Mortimer Dumas @DumasMortimer]

I am no longer afraid of public urinating

[Mortimer Dumas @DumasMortimer]

Answer or @arnie85949101 will get you.

[Mortimer Dumas @DumasMortimer]

@KerkAlbert al I had a dream you crashed the golf cart and paralyzed me from the neck down.

[Mortimer Dumas @DumasMortimer]

The doctor just informed me that my sons injury could have been the result of vigorous gay sex with a much larger then average penis, I'm going to need some time alone

[Mortimer Dumas @DumasMortimer]

Currently at the hospital with my son, he stretched his bum hole to extremes while using the pooper his best friend carried him to the car while his anus leaked blood I hope the cafeteria is open

[Mortimer Dumas @DumasMortimer]

My collection of spherical objects has grown exponentially.

[Mortimer Dumas @DumasMortimer]

Give me your mothers mobile telephone number

[Mortimer Dumas @DumasMortimer]

@arnie85949101 It's to prove how even with the wrong tools I can beat you

[Mortimer Dumas @DumasMortimer]

I have discovered that standing on my pool table and using my golf clubs instead of a pointy stick I can win at pool 200% of the time, but to be fair I will play with a cue as to not show of my golf skills

[Mortimer Dumas @DumasMortimer]

@KerkAlbert I have researched the subject al I'm culturally informed

[Mortimer Dumas @DumasMortimer]

I think my son is a homosexual, tonight at dinner his "girlfriend" ate 14 pickles from the pickle plate and there where funny noises from his room after the sounded a lot like homosexual intercourse

[Mortimer Dumas @DumasMortimer]

@KerkAlbert @RodgerWedge Tic tacks make me gassy

[Mortimer Dumas @DumasMortimer]

WITCH ONE OF YOU EVIL HEATHENS DID THIS!

[Mortimer Dumas @DumasMortimer]

@KerkAlbert How do I donenliwd the amoumg us video game.

[Mortimer Dumas @DumasMortimer]

This is my bike

[Mortimer Dumas @DumasMortimer]

Tha mi a ’faighinn feise le do mhàthair