Dylan Sharp

Don't take life too seriously, you'll never make it out alive

[Dylan Sharp @DylanverySharp]

Waze: This route is 8min slower
No one ever: Oh hell yeah!

[Dylan Sharp @DylanverySharp]

@Spotify Discover Weekly Playlist, I am sad to say, but I am not as interested in bluegrass and covers as you think I am. 0 for 30 on this week’s playlist.

[Dylan Sharp @DylanverySharp]

Cute pants and coats for babies under a year old should be banned. For that matter, any baby clothes that aren’t elastic, dual zippered or magnetic buttoned should be banned. Baby corduroy pants?!?! Are you fucking kidding me.

[Dylan Sharp @DylanverySharp]

After all these years since he’s been gone, my biggest regret is that I never asked Jeeves how he was doing.

[Dylan Sharp @DylanverySharp]

@GrahamCoffeyDC Just need a Drums break > Climb to Safety
Encore: All Time Low played in the Texas locker room

[Dylan Sharp @DylanverySharp]

@AJLotspeich @rone Gotta maintain a veil of mystery

[Dylan Sharp @DylanverySharp]

I have such nostalgia listening to Sublime in the summer. And I’ve seen Sublime with Rone and it was solid, but Sublime with @rone I could really get behind that

[Dylan Sharp @DylanverySharp]

Someone needs to tell my wife, if I could get out of the shower and not leave puddles of water all over the bathroom floor, I would.

[Dylan Sharp @DylanverySharp]

People need to quit saying things are “liquid gold”. They aren’t. You can’t take homemade chicken stock or clarified butter to a financial advisor and expect returns. Trust me, I’ve tried.

[Dylan Sharp @DylanverySharp]

Hey @HoustonTexans how about you participate in Free Agency

[Dylan Sharp @DylanverySharp]

Nothing makes you feel more inept in the kitchen then trying out a recipe your see on insta, then they start calling eggplant, Aubergine and cilantro, coriander and weighing shit in grams

[The Lord of Leisure @LeisureGod69]

Me and my wife’s best friend’s husband

[Dylan Sharp @DylanverySharp]

Few things as traumatizing as thinking it’s late enough to play VR golf in your front room (where there is more space). Then right as you walk in the putt of your life and Tiger fist pump, you get an Amazon alert saying “your package has been delivered to your front door”

[Dylan Sharp @DylanverySharp]

I demand a recount of the nba lotto. This can’t have happened again @NBA . The @HoustonRockets deserve better, I deserve better #plz

[Dylan Sharp @DylanverySharp]

@Ella__Dorsey Nah those are grey clouds. Common misconception

[Matt McCusker @mattwritesbooks]

I know I talk nasty sometimes, but I do wish everyone has a great weekend.

[Dylan Sharp @DylanverySharp]

So confused by this notification. Did the whales open a coffee shop or brewery in the hurricane? How was it gentrified?

[Dylan Sharp @DylanverySharp]

Moving forward I will only be saving the following: Money, The Rainforest, The Whales, “The Date”.

Sorry daylight but next year you need to save yourself

[Patrick Doran @lunch_enjoyer]

Hello Ma’am. I couldn’t help but notice you from across the bar. Would you like to watch me eat a mcdouble in one bite outside?

[Dylan Sharp @DylanverySharp]

One of the fattest purchases I’ve ever made