Eric Neumann

[Eric Neumann @ENeum]

For so long I didn’t understand why women were so obsessed with vampire male characters in movies and TV shows. Twilight, True Blood, Vampire Diaries, etc and now I realized they’re the only guys who would be excited about a girl being on her period

[Eric Neumann @ENeum]

Set a one hour time limit for daily social media use, and then spend the other 23 hours texting friends to see what’s happening on social media

[Eric Neumann @ENeum]

“Sorry I behaved that way, I was in a really weird place”
me, my entire life

[Eric Neumann @ENeum]

If a prison cell doesn’t get you, the cancer cells will #OJ

[Eric Neumann @ENeum]

Valentine’s Day falling on Ash Wednesday has to be the loneliest day of all time for a single Jew

[Eric Neumann @ENeum]

The most important Usher at the SuperBowl this year is whichever one escorts Taylor Swift to her seat

[Eric Neumann @ENeum]

The security guards at Macys don’t even look like they’re in good enough shape to get away with shoplifting themselves

[Eric Neumann @ENeum]

The most popular rehab in 10 years will be for recovering social media addicts

[Eric Neumann @ENeum]

Not only is Taylor Swift one of the first women to be a billionaire, but she’s also one of the first women to admit that she’s the problem, it’s her

[Eric Neumann @ENeum]

Starting to see results at the gym. Been going to Equinox for a couple months and people are already complimenting me on my sense of humor

[Eric Neumann @ENeum]

If you don’t think Jews control the media and the weather, the second the writers strike ended in NYC, the weather got too bad to do anything but stay home and write

[Eric Neumann @ENeum]

The writers strike makes everyday feel like a Jewish holiday because nobody in Hollywood is working

[Eric Neumann @ENeum]

I think Rosh Hashana is 2 nights because Jewish Moms can’t fit all their criticism of their children into one evening

[Eric Neumann @ENeum]

Synagogues are the only place I don’t have to remind people it’s Rosh Hashana

[Eric Neumann @ENeum]

The only thing I’ve ever built on my own is a sandwich

[Eric Neumann @ENeum]

If you use the phrase “he’s no spring chicken”, you’re definitely no spring chicken

[Eric Neumann @ENeum]

We don’t know if God is a woman but the algorithm definitely is because I can never figure out what it wants

[Eric Neumann @ENeum]

The big difference between comedians and flights is when comedians get canceled they can still take off

[Eric Neumann @ENeum]

Writers: I won’t write until the strike is over!

Michael Bay : new movie idea! air pollution in NYC kills everyone!

[Eric Neumann @ENeum]

I live near Times Square so I can barely notice a difference in air quality today