E_Rodney

I was an ugly baby. The neighbor kid said "how come his eyes don't fit?"
My old man would tell me "go play with the electrical outlets".
Then there's my wife..

[E_Rodney @E_Rodney_]

How's this for a guy toilet?

[E_Rodney @E_Rodney_]

Read your bidet warnings...😂

I just discovered the "WARNING" label on my new bidet toilet seat.

It says "Flammables are prohibited".

If I'd known that I would have left the Carolina Reaper Pepper off my sandwich last night.

Now I'm afraid of letting go on the commode for fear of setting off an explosion.

I'll go flying off the john like a New York city manhole cover after a sewer gas explosion.

The newspaper will say "Smoldering man found in treetop two blocks from home".

Another warning says something like "Don't stand on pot lid".

Huh. So what are people doing, practicing their Cornhole game standing on the pot?

I guess you'd be using turds instead of bean bags.

Now I'm a little lactose intolerant and I like to have an occasional super-size vanilla milkshake.

If I tried standing on the pot lid like that, I'd lose a whole afternoon cleaning up after the explosive BM.

It's bad enough when I'm sitting, let alone standing.

I've already got sand bags stacked around the toilet.

[E_Rodney @E_Rodney_]

Do you have a brother nicknamed "Swamp Gas Billlie" ? 😂

Years ago kids were seated in school in alphabetical order.

The guy just ahead of me was nicknamed "Swamp-gas Billie".

He must have had four stomachs like a cow..it's the only way he could have fermented that much stale gas.

I got so used to his brand of farts, I could walk into a room full of people with the lights out and tell you if he was in there.

We always knew where he was at because it showed up as a blue plume on weather radar.

During open house, parents would ask "was the school built on top of a landfill?".

The teacher thought I was falling asleep in class... I was actually being asphyxiated.

We couldn't sneak cigarettes when he was around due to the explosion hazard.

I asked my mom if she could just get re-married so I could change my last name.

[E_Rodney @E_Rodney_]

I got a buddy that could use an exhaust filter...😂

Elon's "fart in the car" Tesla mode is genius.

It's like kicking the dog.

If you cut an air biscuit, just quick press a button and a fart sound comes out of the passenger seat.

The passenger starts getting all defensive and “Voila”, you're off the hook.

I got this one buddy, when he eats the wrong thing, he sounds off like a tuba.

Kinda sounds like the 5th tone from the space ship in Close Encounters where the glass explodes.

When he farts, You can see it on the weather radar on your phone.

You don't wanna be trapped in an enclosed car with this guy. We make him fill out a meal history before he can get in the car.

This one time he fibbed to us and cut loose with a big one that vibrated the car chasis.

It pressurized the car cabin. Our ears were ringing and everybody's eyes were watering like we'd been pepper-sprayed.

All the guys were hangin' out of the windows gasping for air.

I had to pull over because I couldn't see.

The cops stopped and said "somebody called in a car fire."

[E_Rodney @E_Rodney_]

Don't give my fitness wife any new ideas..😂

My wife used to teach aerobics.
Now we just walk.

She wears stretch pants and fancy shoes.
They're air-cooled memory foam...I think they're made by Boeing.

At least judging by the cost.

She's got so many pairs, she's taken over my closet.

Now I get dressed out of a plastic Dollar General tub in the utility room.

So we go out for a walk. I've got on my Sketchers office shoes and black socks with cargo shorts below the knees.

She's barking out fitness commands like a drill sergeant.

I feel like I'm in a Peloton commercial.

We walk by the rich neighborhoods.

They live in gated communities...but they still get out.

After about 3 laps in the park, the birds start lighting on me.

My wife reads off her heartbeat from her watch, and asks what's mine.

I say "I don't know, it switched over to scientific notation".

[E_Rodney @E_Rodney_]

@LeadingReport I was FBI...😂

[E_Rodney @E_Rodney_]

My wife is not tech savvy.

When they gave her the phone it was like Cro-Magnon man finding it in a cave.

She poked it with a stick and stuck it in her mouth.

So she calls me up..
HER: "I hate this phone, it doesn't work!"
ME: "OK, are you looking at the side with the glass?"
HER: "My email is gone!"
ME: "You probably swiped it to page 32 of your shopping apps."
HER" "I've got no messages?"
ME: "Are you connected to wi-fi?"
HER: "No, what's the cord look like?"
ME: "Check your Bluetooth.."
HER: "What? I don't have a mirror.."
ME" "What's your network settings.."
HER: "I'm watching MSNBC with the dog..they're talking about Trump and.."
ME: "Maybe you're running out of space.."
HER: "I made the letters as tiny as I could.."

HER: "Wait a minute..there's a box.. what do I push?"
ME: "Does it say 'BEGIN GLOBAL THERMONUCLEAR WARFARE?'
HER: "No.."
ME: "THEN JUST PRESS 'OK'!! ... where's my blood pressure cuff?!!"

[E_Rodney @E_Rodney_]

I was the fat kid in the neighborhood.

When we played cowboys and Indians I got to be the buffalo.

My mother used to give us bacon grease for dessert.

We didn't have a kitchen table, just a bucket and a trough.

One day one of the neighborhood kids came over for dinner.

When he didn't return back home my father said he may have accidentally been eaten.

My dad had a pickup with a dump bed for unloading groceries.

The garbage men thought we were running an underground railroad.

The supermarket owner would “comp” my mom when she came to buy groceries.

My dad heated the house with cereal boxes.

I had to have my dad take off my rear bike tire and replace it with a car tire.

My mom asked where I'd like to eat for my birthday.

I said "Either the gas station or the carnival."

[E_Rodney @E_Rodney_]

I bought a Tesla...

When I stomp on it, the passengers often lose bowel control.

I've started spreading puppy pads out in the back seat.

I suddenly floor it, and their eyes bulge out like Don Knotts getting a digital prostate exam.

Cell phones and sunglasses are flying around the cabin as if we're in the International Space Station.

My passenger seat is permanently indented from the constant launching.

When I'm alone, it looks like the invisible man is sitting next to me.

So, this one day I'm watching the cars shrink in the rear-view mirror, and I hear this whooshing sound like someone opened the cabin door on a 747.

Off to my left I'm being passed by a soccer mom in a Dodge van and she's hovering over the steering column like she's opening a submarine hatch.

How she passed me I'll never know but I'm pretty sure I saw her foot sticking through the floorboard like Fred Flintstone driving the Flintmobile.

[E_Rodney @E_Rodney_]

😅 I was an ugly baby.

When I was born my old man asked "can't I have a different one?"

The doctor said it was impossible to grow a nose that big in 9 months.

When it was feeding time at the hospital the nurses didn't know which end the bottle went in.

Instead of giving me a circumcision, they gave my mom an exorcism.

When I left the hospital, they brought my mother a wheelchair with a cage on the back.

After I got home, the neighbor kid asked "why don't his eyes fit?"

My mom tried to sign me up for day care.

They said "we're all filled up, have you tried the circus?"

[E_Rodney @E_Rodney_]

😂 Cussin around the kids... 😂

I have a relative that cusses like a pirate with his peg leg stuck in a knothole.

He'd use four expletives just to describe last week's baptism at church.

If they charged your credit card for every swear word, he would always be over-limit.

I always felt like I should be holding onto a lightning rod when I was standing near him.

But, he and his family were the nicest folks, as farmers usually are.

So one day he was in the field picking up rocks, and his three year old daughter was helping out.

There were alot of large rocks and as usual he found that a few swear words somehow made them lighter.

As he dropped his rocks in the wagon, he heard a tiny voice behind him..

"Tunny BITS dats hebby".

..I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

[E_Rodney @E_Rodney_]

@glowingvelvetly

[E_Rodney @E_Rodney_]

And have you bought toilet paper lately?

I just paid 25 bucks for toilet paper.

There was a Brinks truck in front of Kroger. It was unloading toilet paper instead of money.

We got robbed and they left the jewelry and stole the toilet paper.

I started conserving my toilet paper. I use the same piece to blow my nose, dab the dribble and wipe.

It works great as long as you don't get the order mixed up.

What do you bet they start slipping stool softener into our food.

[E_Rodney @E_Rodney_]

I tell my wife to turn her phone ...

My wife is not tech savvy.

When they gave her the phone it was like Cro-Magnon man finding it in a cave.

She poked it with a stick and stuck it in her mouth.

So she calls me up..

HER: "I hate this phone, it doesn't work!"
ME: "OK, are you looking at the side with the glass?"
HER: "My email is gone!"
ME: "You probably swiped it to page 32 of your shopping apps."
HER" "I've got no messages?"
ME: "Are you connected to wi-fi?"
HER: "No, what's the cord look like?"
ME: "Check your Bluetooth.."
HER: "What? I don't have a mirror.."
ME" "What's your network settings.."
HER: "I'm watching MSNBC with the dog..they're talking about Trump and.."
ME: "Maybe you're running out of space.."
HER: "I made the letters as tiny as I could.."

HER: "Wait a minute..there's a box.. what do I push?"
ME: "Does it say 'BEGIN GLOBAL THERMONUCLEAR WARFARE?'
HER: "No.."
ME: "THEN JUST PRESS 'OK'!! ... where's my blood pressure cuff?!!"

[E_Rodney @E_Rodney_]

😂😂 Shopping trip time machine... 😂😂

[E_Rodney @E_Rodney_]

😂😂 My wife is short... 😂😂

[E_Rodney @E_Rodney_]

😂 He thought he stepped onto the bridge of the USS Enterprise 😂

[E_Rodney @E_Rodney_]

😂😂 What's "KD" stand for?? ...😂😂

[E_Rodney @E_Rodney_]

😂😂"Very public" bathroom episode..😂😂

[E_Rodney @E_Rodney_]

😬😬..Shopping cart "ditchers" ...😬😬

[E_Rodney @E_Rodney_]

😂😂Drug insert sheets, I use them for leaf tarps..😂😂