julo

[Iamemperor @Iamemperor00]

My roommate accidentally convinced our entire apartment building that he was a government agent because he didn’t know how to end conversations normally.

It started because he ordered a shredder.

That’s it.

Just a regular office shredder from Amazon.

But the delivery guy asked,
“What do you need this for?”

And instead of saying “old bank statements” like a civilian, my roommate pauses for two full seconds and goes,

“Can’t really discuss that.”

Why would you say that.

Now the delivery guy looks nervous.
My roommate notices the nervousness.
And instead of correcting himself, he doubles down because apparently social anxiety turns him into a Batman villain.

He leans closer and says:
“Appreciate your discretion.”

The delivery guy left like he had just transported nuclear launch codes.

After that, weird things started happening.

Neighbors became oddly respectful.
People stopped asking him dumb small-talk questions in the elevator.
One old man saluted him once.

At first we thought it was coincidence.

Then our downstairs neighbor knocks on our door and quietly asks,
“Are we safe?”

My roommate, who is eating cereal at the time, just stares at him and says:
“For now.”

FOR NOW???

The neighbor looked like he was about to evacuate his family immediately.

Turns out the delivery guy had apparently told multiple people in the building that “federal people” were living on the third floor.

And honestly my roommate’s lifestyle was NOT helping.

He leaves the apartment at random hours.
Owns three identical black jackets.
Rarely explains where he’s going.
Has terrible posture but walks fast enough to seem important.

One time he came home carrying a locked briefcase.

Do you know what was inside?

A sandwich.

But nobody else knew that.

The paranoia escalated when building management installed new security cameras and my roommate casually muttered,
“About time.”

Now everybody thinks he requested surveillance upgrades.

Then came the incident with Apartment 4B.

There was a huge screaming argument downstairs around midnight.
Doors slamming.
People yelling.
Somebody crying.

The whole building could hear it.

My roommate walks into the hallway, listens for ten seconds, then calmly says:
“They’re moving earlier than expected.”

EARLIER THAN WHAT??

A woman across the hall literally gasped.

The next morning 4B had moved out unexpectedly because apparently they were already behind on rent and the fight ended the relationship.

But now the building believes my roommate orchestrated a covert extraction.

People started treating him like some kind of undercover protector.

Neighbors would randomly update him on “suspicious activity.”

One guy whispered:
“There’s a blue Honda that keeps circling the block.”

My roommate nodded and wrote something down.

Do you know what he wrote?

“Buy oat milk.”

But the guy saw the note-taking and immediately went,
“Knew it.”

Then management offered him a free parking spot “for operational convenience.”

HE TOOK IT.

At this point I asked him why he kept feeding the delusion instead of stopping it.

And he said something I’ll never forget:
“It’s gone too far to explain naturally.”

Which somehow made him sound EVEN MORE like a spy.

Then things became catastrophic.

A package got delivered to the wrong apartment and went missing.

Management called a building meeting about “recent security concerns.”

In the middle of the meeting, somebody actually turned toward my roommate and asked:
“What do you think we should do?”

This idiot crosses his arms and says:
“Keep communication limited. Don’t panic.”

The room nodded collectively.

I was watching a man fail upward into the CIA.

Then an actual police officer showed up later that week because somebody reported “possible federal surveillance activity.”

We thought the game was over.

But when the officer knocked on our door, my roommate opened it halfway, looked at the badge, and sighed like he was disappointed.

[David @dqveed]

imagine you donate blood and they just give you a gram

[doll bun🏳️‍⚧️ @The_Bunny_Doll]

The only other interaction I've had with uniformed officers was years ago, when two approached me and said there were reports of shoplifting, when I showed them the receipts for what I bought they had a look a sheer disappointment and annoyance on them, and when I asked if I could leave one of them rather angrily said "yes, you can go away", clearly unhappy that they had no grounds to arrest me, my opinion of the police is that 90% of them are power tripping lil bitches lol

[Noémie de retour en compétition 😮‍💨 @nonod971]

Bravo les sales connes 🥰

[Comrade Izzy ☭🦍🟥⬛️🟩 @ComradeIzzy]

You don't hate cops enough.

[blakarous @blakarous]

Oui bon...
Ca se voit que y avait pas Macron à l'époque...

[Claire Jacquin @jacquincl]

- Est-ce qu'il faut interdire toute les manifestations pro-palestiniennes en France ?
- Oui, tout à fait.

C'est con, les archives.

[Breezy 🇮🇪 @Busy_Br33]

I do not “check bus times”. I do not expect delays, i do not follow timetables, i do not look for roadwork, I WALK TO MY STOP. And if there is no bus, I KlLL MYSELF.

[Matt Lech @MattLech]

Fuck ICE, every agent is a nazi

[Rima Hassan @RimaHas]

Ce qu’Israël fait des enfants palestiniens en les affamant VOLONTAIREMENT depuis deux mois, est digne des pratiques fascistes et nazies dans les camps de concentration.

[julo @ElPattin]

@BrunoRetailleau Tu es immonde Bruno

[Melanie D'Arrigo @DarrigoMelanie]

“Millionaires and billionaires will leave the country if you tax them” is a myth created by millionaires and billionaires so you won’t tax them.

[Cerfia @CerfiaFR]

🇪🇸🇮🇱 FLASH

"Ni six millions d'euros, ni même six milliards, ne peuvent justifier que l'Espagne prenne le risque d'être complice d'un génocide !"

L’Espagne ANNULE un contrat d'armement de plusieurs millions d’euros avec une entreprise israélienne.

(AFP)

[Tournesol en viande @chrismen67]

BAYROU quand tu lui poses une question sur Bétharram 🥱

[Jean-Moundir @supermegadrivin]

Après le Kremlin et Viktor Orban on vient de recevoir un communiqué de Sauron qui dénonce lui aussi cette condamnation