Eli Kaufman

5th Grade Class President

[Chef Joe Gera 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️🇮🇹 @redhotnerd]

Dave Portnoy

[Scott Barber @thescottbarber]

So the White House is a Thai restaurant now?

[cav empty @cavempty_]

are the minions unionized

[tay @hairball1952]

travelling with a book fully aware you won’t open it even once during your stay

[George Wallace @MrGeorgeWallace]

I fuckin' told y'all Jennifer Aniston would switch to breezy denim this summer but you assholes didn't believe me!

[juju 💰 @ayeejuju]

“i can’t tell if it’s gunshots or fireworks”

[spaghetti policy analyst 🇵🇸 ✮⋆˙⊹˚.𖥔 ݁ ˖ @0atmik]

Doing this with a girl from hinge after scoring a tap-in during my Tuesday night co-ed rec league match.

[Tristan @AyoTristan]

Guns and Moses

[Grace @gracecamille_]

how girls are dressing this summer

[Céspedes Family BBQ @CespedesBBQ]

Rebecca Lowe is so good at her job. Her ultimate test will be keeping Zlatan from punching Alexi Lalas in the face.

[Swervo5️⃣ @4KTSwervo]

nightmare blunt rotation

[Mike Abrusci @mikeabrusci]

BREAKING NEWS: NYPD Commissioner Jessica Tisch has stated anyone caught making man on the street content with tiny wireless microphones before, during or after the Knicks game will be stoned to death in Union Square tomorrow

[Cheryl Douglass @cherdougie]

“you look like you’d enjoy Hudson Yards” (derogatory)

[Josh Billinson @jbillinson]

The World Cup hasn’t even started yet and we’re already planning New Jersey Dunkirk. The Europeans will never let us live this down.

[вlαnc @dqveed]

They’re slowly taking away the second amendment see

[Joshwelt @weltszzn]

when i accidentally close my 45 tabs it's like the burning of the library of alexandria, but worse and much more dire

[𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓 @MoMohler]

MLB umpires shouldn’t have to be celibate.

[redrum @griffisu]

eventually there will be an infant capable of handling 115° car interior we just have to keep trying