Eliza Skinner

Stand-up comic & Emmy winning comedy writer… Headwriter/Roaster Toaster #EarthToNed (Disney+)... co-host On The Podium podcast… she/her/mistress… comedy album👇

[Eliza Skinner @elizaskinner]

I was composing a post via voice to text and my dog started barking at me and honestly I think I nailed it - this is The Best Take.

[Eliza Skinner @elizaskinner]

My mugs & jars Etsy shop update is live - and 25% off! Wall monsters & dishes coming Monday and the sale will continue…. https://t.co/AzcSaTT5RH

[Eliza Skinner @elizaskinner]

Sorry - I had to repost this because it was attracting creeps. I forgot how many people were waiting for their chance to suck Woody Allen’s dick. Unfortunately that space has been reserved for his ex-girlfriend’s child - whom he met when she was 10 years old and he was 45.

[Eliza Skinner @elizaskinner]

Every new bit of Woody Allen/Epstein evidence reminds me of the time a comic called me an idiot for saying “there are systems in place to silence women who accuse powerful men” - after screaming at me for rolling my eyes when he said “I know for a fact Woody Allen is innocent.”

[Eliza Skinner @elizaskinner]

The next day he and the other comedian in the greenroom with us did a podcast where they talked shit about how “crazy” I was.
2015 was a wild time.

[Eliza Skinner @elizaskinner]

Apparently you only have until Tuesday to listen to “Pet Helpers” - my pilot about the Rapture - as read by Paul F Tompkins, Paul Scheer, Erin Whitehead, Jared Logan, Jess McKenna, Bryan Cook, and me!
So do it now!!

https://t.co/POmTu8RcRH

[Eliza Skinner @elizaskinner]

@anylaurie16 @JetpackComedy @peetguercio @funnydp @JustinMHerman @AaaaronWeaver @thecomedybureau 🤗

[Kareem Carr, Ph.D. @kareem_carr]

Silicon Valley doesn’t “predict” the future. It picks the one it wants and then pours billions of dollars into making it happen.

So when they say "AI will replace us", that’s not a helpful warning. It’s their business plan.

[Eliza Skinner @elizaskinner]

@mattlieb I’m so sorry, Matt. ❤️

[Eliza Skinner @elizaskinner]

A lot of people don’t know this, but the actual name of that stupid military operation yesterday in LA was “Someone Left The Cake Out In The Rain.”

[Jesse Case @jessecase]

I don't like how people can tweet that "natural disasters are a conspiracy", but since they're smart-phoning it, they don't know they have Dark Ages Brain. Like, you should be shouting that in front of an alchemist's hut before you trade your turnips for some leeches, you freak.

[Eliza Skinner @elizaskinner]

@JustFoodForDogs Also when they did finally write back to me they addressed their passive aggressive, 100% unhelpful email to me, my dog, and my dead cat. Cool company.

[Eliza Skinner @elizaskinner]

Well I guess I’m done buying from @JustFoodForDogs. They don’t ship over the weekend, but they also don’t allow you to cancel orders because they are already being shipped, over the weekend, when they don’t ship. Sadly I can’t afford that kind of shady business these days.

[Eliza Skinner @elizaskinner]

Honestly from the looks of things I think @JustFoodForDogs might be done with itself pretty soon. This feels like trying to reach customer service on a ghost ship.

[Eliza Skinner @elizaskinner]

My shop update is live! https://t.co/f1jsjuTC3I

[Eliza Skinner @elizaskinner]

“All shall be done, but it may be harder than you think.”
- The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis

[Eliza Skinner @elizaskinner]

I’m having a big old MEGA SALE at the Little Art Market this weekend. I have too much pottery, and it’s all gotta go to make room for new stuff! Plus we have new vendors and returning favorites. Come get a drink in the coffeeshop and poke around!

[Eliza Skinner @elizaskinner]

@katrinasivad Ah, the Insect Monster Jar! You have exceptional taste.

[Eliza Skinner @elizaskinner]

In a small act of resistance, I refuse to pause my life for today’s celebration of our new low - so my Etsy shop was just updated with some new items. THATS RIGHT, IM SAVING AMERICA BY LISTING MY POTTERY FOR SALE. I DID IT. HERES A LINK: https://t.co/zOAB8PjkDp

[caitie delaney @caitiedelaney]

if you’re unfollowing me because I’m posting too much about my city burning listen I get it but boy have I got some news about your future and your city. looking away hasn’t been an option for a long time

[Tim Sniffen @MisterSniffen]

I always forget how Christmas Carol starts kinda weird