eurofounder

Founder based in the EU • Building GDPR-compliant startups • 7 years in, €7k MRR

[Matthias Schmidt @eurofounder]

How Europeans move after getting on a €19.99 Ryanair flight to Bulgaria

[Matthias Schmidt @eurofounder]

How are North Africans supposed to live in the EU now? This is a hateful and selfish legislation

[Matthias Schmidt @eurofounder]

My wife’s father is in the hospital in Munich in a critical condition

She was supposed to fly there today, but Lufthansa cancelled her flight

I found her crying at the kitchen table

“Papa might not make it, I need to be there today”

I shook my head in disbelief

“Do you hear yourself? Oil prices are sky high. Lufthansa is making the right choice”

She asked if I could drive her

“Diesel is €2.40 per liter. We must reduce non-essential travel”

“It’s my dad, it IS essential travel” she was sobbing

“The EU defines essential travel. Not you” I calmly explained

She took the train for €349 and left without saying goodbye

I felt proud watching her go by rail, a sustainable form of transportation

This is how a serious continent handles an energy crisis

[Matthias Schmidt @eurofounder]

How my wife's sister looks at me during a family dinner when I mention my salary increase to €1,300 a month

[Matthias Schmidt @eurofounder]

I recently had an affair with an American lady

Normally I would never cheat on my wife, but she was on a business trip, and I have my needs

We went to the bar and quickly ended up at her place

“Can you wear a condom? I have some here” she said

I raised my eyebrow

“Are those EU-certified?” I asked

“I don’t know silly, just fuck me already” she said bending over

I got up and got dressed

I knew American women were not exactly the marriage material, but this was something else

A female who is willing to use a non-EU approved condom is nothing but a whore

Going raw would be safer than this

I’m sure I’ll find myself a nice European lady to cheat on my wife with

[Matthias Schmidt @eurofounder]

My wife and I made a list of 5 people we can have sex with while married:

Mine:
1. Greta Thunberg
2. Kim Kardashian
3. Angela Merkel
4. Sophie Rain
5. Mia Khalifa

Hers:
1. Her gym trainer
2. Our neighbor Mohammed
3. Our neighbor’s son Ahmed
4. My brother
5. Her ex-boyfriend

How dumb is she? She could have picked any celebrity, and instead she picked regular people

Completely wasted her dream list

[Matthias Schmidt @eurofounder]

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[Matthias Schmidt @eurofounder]

My mum is turning 70 today

Without her, I wouldn't be this progressive, moral and highly ethical person I am today

Thank you for everything mum, I love you so much

[Matthias Schmidt @eurofounder]

My wife has recently inherited €400k from her aunt

"Oh my god, this is so amazing!" she screamed

"We could invest in S&P 500, and then couple weeks in Hawaii, just us?" she winked at me

I felt my blood boiling, but composed myself

"Sure baby, it's a good idea, have a drink now"

She fell asleep on the couch by 10pm

I opened the laptop and logged into her bank account

I made following wire transfers:

€250k to our local government
€100k to a Muslim refugee integration NGO in Bremen
€49k to a EU research think tank researching

The remaining €1k I transferred to my personal account

In the morning she asked about the money

"I invested it into Europe baby, and we will benefit from it greatly"

She began shaking, and I just hugged her dearly

It feels so great to provide for a woman I love

[Matthias Schmidt @eurofounder]

Wonderful news, me and other Europeans can finally immigrate to Bangladesh

[Matthias Schmidt @eurofounder]

My 9 year old daughter was diagnosed with a rare heart defect last month

“She needs surgery, but we never operated on such a case” our German cardiologist said

Yesterday my wife called me shaking from happiness

“I found a surgeon in New York, he said he can save her, we need to go now!”

I chuckled

“Absolutely not” I said

“I’m not paying $200,000 so an American doctor can practice on my child”

“He is the only one who can do it” my wife was crying

I hung up

My daughter is strong and German medicine has never failed us

If German doctors can’t save her, I’m pretty sure Americans can’t either

And I’m not going to contribute a single euro to the broken American healthcare system

[Matthias Schmidt @eurofounder]

If it wasn’t for the EU, I wouldn’t know my wife is a drug dealer

[Matthias Schmidt @eurofounder]

How Europeans feel when after 12 years of career they finally reach a monthly salary of €1,900

[Matthias Schmidt @eurofounder]

My wife collapsed in our hotel room in New York today

“Call an ambulance, I can’t breathe” she was screaming

My heart dropped

If she ends up in an American hospital we are financially ruined

I went on the Lufthansa app to book a flight back to Frankfurt, but unfortunately pilots are on strike today

“Please I’m begging you” she was lying on the floor

I sighed and called 911

She is now in surgery as apparently her appendix “almost burst”

I am extremely scared

This is going to cost us at least $100,000

She could have received much better care, for free, in Germany

I will never visit this barbaric country ever again

[Matthias Schmidt @eurofounder]

My wife’s brother is getting married in July

“The wedding is in Greece! It’s gonna be so beautiful” my wife was so happy

I put down the copy of EU constitution I was reading

“We are not going” I said

“What?”

“A return flight to Greece generates 0.8 tons of CO2 per passenger”

“Stop, it’s my brother” she started crying

“A selfish brother. Destroying the planet for his own pleasure” I said

She run upstairs sobbing

I understand skipping a family event is difficult, but this is the right decision to make

Every person attending this weeding will have blood on their hands

[Matthias Schmidt @eurofounder]

My friend Günther is one of the richest men in the Netherlands

Last weekend I visited him in his 39m2 penthouse just an hour away from Amsterdam

“How to be rich like you Günther?” I asked

He poured me a glass of tap water and smiled

“I pay 120% tax” he said

“Wow, more than you earn?”

“Yes, every month I transfer extra to my government so they can invest on my behalf”

“So you give them all your savings?”

“Yes, and I receive the best return on my investment” he proudly said

He is right. Public transport, healthcare, smooth integration with foreign cultures

The EU government is truly incredible

I took the train home inspired

This is exactly the European mindset Americans are too primitive to understand

[Matthias Schmidt @eurofounder]

I met my friend Henrik in Stockholm last weekend

He seemed a bit sad

“What’s wrong?” I asked

“Remember the second flat I own and rent out? I had to give it up yesterday”

“Why?”

“A Somali family needed housing. The government made me hand it over”

“That’s the law, Henrik” I smiled

“I know, I know” he stirred his coffee

“It’s fine, really. They need it more than I do. I actually feel lighter now. Home ownership is tough”

I looked at him proudly

“You are a true European, Henrik”

He smiled for the first time that morning

I wish other EU countries would adopt this incredibly progressive Swedish law

[Matthias Schmidt @eurofounder]

A week of my daughter's life at her Erasmus student exchange:

Monday - wakes up at 2pm in a stranger's bed outside of Lisbon, walks home barefoot

Tuesday - attends one lecture, leaves after 20 minutes to drink vodka

Wednesday - blacks out at a hostel party, wakes up with a tattoo

Thursday - takes a morning-after pill (third time this month)

Friday - texts me "papa I need €200 urgent"

Saturday - posts a bikini photo from the beach surrounded by seven boys from Tunisia

Sunday - hooks up with a 51-year-old Italian boyfriend of her dorm roomate

This is the cultural exchange European Union provides to its young citizens

[Matthias Schmidt @eurofounder]

BREAKING: European Union just announced they are sending a diplomatic delegation to assist in the capture of Venezuelan president Nicolás Maduro

[Matthias Schmidt @eurofounder]

Hiring a senior AI engineer and had a phone interview with an American living in Munich

I offered €41k which is very competitive for Germany

He went silent for about ten seconds

"Is this weekly?" he obnoxiously laughed like Americans typically do

I calmly explained that it's an annual salary, and actually well above median in Germany

"Yeah, I currently make $350k plus equity so that ain't gonna work for me" he barked

I sighed and explained that equity-based compensation is a form of financial manipulation

"In Europe, equity is for business angels providing seed capital, and I myself own only 11% now" I said

He called me an "europoor" and hung up

That’s exactly why the US startups fail so often, overpaid engineers with terrible attitude

I do not understand how anyone can work with Americans