Evan Richey

Purdue 2022

''Percentage wise, it is 100% easier to not do things than to do them''
-John Mulaney

[Evan Richey @Evan_R_]

In case anyone was wondering how I'm doing, I have laundry that hasn't been folded since February

[Evan Richey @Evan_R_]

Lydia if you're reading this I still don't forgive you

[Evan Richey @Evan_R_]

Traumatic memory unlocked! One time in second grade at recess I had to stand against the wall for crimes I did not commit (already pissed) and then some bitch brought her stupid baby alive doll that pisses for real and squirted it at me, and I wasn't allowed to get away from that

[Evan Richey @Evan_R_]

I love having a job that requires earplugs. Now when people talk to me I can pretend I didn't hear them the first time instead of admitting that I was fully zoned out

[Evan Richey @Evan_R_]

In case y'all want to trade that dogecoin https://t.co/TX0uU45V5s

[Evan Richey @Evan_R_]

I'll really pull up with a Hotbox Pizza car topper, get out wearing my Hotbox Pizza shirt, and some bitch still has the audacity to ask me, "Are you Domino's?"

[Evan Richey @Evan_R_]

Lost my wallet a few days ago, which means someone who looks like me is probably using my ID to buy alcohol. Really sucks they're so ugly

[Evan Richey @Evan_R_]

Can't wait to tell my grandkids that spring break didn't exist when I was their age

[Evan Richey @Evan_R_]

My favorite dynamic in my relationship is that my girlfriend will get fancy bottled water and I drink water primarily from the shower

[Evan Richey @Evan_R_]

If you order no contact delivery and leave the tip off you're a coward. At least look me in the eye when you fuck me

[Evan Richey @Evan_R_]

I wanna treat the Wendy's girl right

[Evan Richey @Evan_R_]

Has anyone else ever noticed those signs at stoplights that say "Wait, delayed signal" why is there a sign? Just un delay the signal you lazy bitch

[Jacob Krugman 🐀 @JacobKrugman]

Easy, @bigtimerush

[Evan Richey @Evan_R_]

This aged like milk

[Evan Richey @Evan_R_]

Stuck in Syracuse and everyone is talking about Corona like it's the end of the world. Happy spring break

[Evan Richey @Evan_R_]

I would've just gotten education connection if I knew college was gonna be like this

[Evan Richey @Evan_R_]

Shout out to Purdue for putting me in not one, but two classes with zero lectures. I better be getting paid well to teach myself here

[Evan Richey @Evan_R_]

On a related note my desk bookshelves perfectly hold box wine

[Evan Richey @Evan_R_]

When your roommate gets covid that just means you spend 2 weeks alone in your room with a blood alcohol content more than 0 at all times

[Evan Richey @Evan_R_]

Hot take: if it's less than 2 ply, you can't call it toilet paper. It's just regular paper

[Evan Richey @Evan_R_]

At this point I don't even remember a time I wasn't wearing pajama pants