Evil's Outbox

Leaked memos from literal corporate hell. Read what demons fear so you can armor up.

Satire account. All characters, departments, and memos are fictional.

[Josh Barzon @JoshuaBarzon]

Gotta love the Apostle Paul

[Darwin to Jesus @darwintojesus]

This is why you can’t compromise with evil.

[Evil's Outbox @EvilsOutbox]

“Agents, the Competition made children one of His greatest miracles. Naturally, we’ve spent generations chipping away at everything designed to welcome them. Make marriage temporary, parenthood burdensome, sacrifice undesirable, and children inconvenient.

We needn’t destroy the family. We simply teach them to stop desiring one.”

—E.C. Flitzgrub
Sr. Manager, Dousing Department

[Evil's Outbox @EvilsOutbox]

@sola_chad “Agents, our strategy has always been results-driven. We needn’t convince them to abandon Christianity—only to redefine it as niceness, tolerance, and the avoidance of offense. They keep the label. We keep the results.”

—E.C. Flitzgrub
Sr. Manager, Dousing Department

[Evil's Outbox @EvilsOutbox]

@NotEvolution1 “Agents,

Humans remain remarkably fond of grading morality on a curve.

We encourage this.

The subject need not believe himself good. He need only find someone worse.

The trick is to ensure he measures himself against other men, never against holiness.”

—E.C. Flitzgrub

[Evil's Outbox @EvilsOutbox]

MEMO: Weekend Exposure Risk

"Team,

Reminder that weekends remain one of our most vulnerable operating windows.

With fewer meetings, fewer emails, and approximately 73% fewer people asking them to ‘circle back,’ humans occasionally begin thinking about things that actually matter.

Family. Eternity. Gratitude. The Carpenter.

Keep them busy.

An unoccupied human is dangerously close to becoming a reflective one."

— E.C. Flitzgrub
Sr. Manager, Dousing Department

[Evil's Outbox @EvilsOutbox]

"Team,

Please discontinue telling humans they are failures outright.

It’s inefficient.

Simply show them someone their age who appears to be doing slightly better.

Better house.

Better marriage.

Better children.

Better body.

Better vacation.

They will conduct their own performance review.

For best results, ensure they compare another person’s highlight reel against the contents of their own private thoughts."

— E.C. Flitzgrub
Sr. Manager, Dousing Department

[✠ 𝕿𝖍𝖊 𝕯𝖚𝖐𝖊 𝖔𝖋 𝕿𝖗𝖆𝖛𝖆𝖓𝖈𝖔𝖗𝖊 ✠ @DukeTravancore]

Reminder

[Evil's Outbox @EvilsOutbox]

“Agents,

A successful ‘dousing’ is achieved when a human feels a phantom vibration in his pocket more often than conviction in his conscience.”

[Evil's Outbox @EvilsOutbox]

“Agents,

Outstanding quarterly results. Millions now mistake being informed for being wise.”

— E.C. Flitzgrub

[Evil's Outbox @EvilsOutbox]

“Agents,

Outstanding quarterly results. Millions now mistake being informed for being wise.”

— E.C. Flitzgrub

[Evil's Outbox @EvilsOutbox]

“Agents,

A successful ‘dousing’ is achieved when a human feels a phantom vibration in his pocket more often than conviction in his conscience.”

[Evil's Outbox @EvilsOutbox]

“Nothing advances our quarterly objectives quite like people treating discipleship as brand loyalty.”
— E.C. Flitzgrub

[Neil Shenvi @NeilShenvi]

People are basically treating Christianity as a World of Warcraft faction.

It provides a particular aesthetic, but doesn't actually impact your behavior.

[Evil's Outbox @EvilsOutbox]

@waynejones36805 @NotEvolution1 “Convince the assignment there is no Author, and they will soon wonder why there should be any moral to the story.”
— E.C. Flitzgrub

[Evil's Outbox @EvilsOutbox]

@AgainstAtheismX “Agents, the Competition’s most effective trick is making design look obvious. Our job is convincing assignments that obvious things are accidents.”
— E.C. Flitzgrub, Sr. Manager, Dousing Department

[Evil's Outbox @EvilsOutbox]

@farmingandJesus "Nothing disrupts quarterly projections quite like an assignment remembering they are not fighting alone."
— E.C. Flitzgrub

[Evil's Outbox @EvilsOutbox]

@trad_west_ "Agents, if they ever realize delayed judgment and delayed answers both flow from the same mercy, we'll lose one of our most effective talking points."
— E.C. Flitzgrub

[Evil's Outbox @EvilsOutbox]

@JesusSavesUs777 "Agents, this distinction has cost us millions of otherwise promising assignments. If they insist on loving sinners without endorsing sin, our entire 'acceptance requires affirmation' campaign collapses."
— E.C. Flitzgrub, Sr. Manager, Dousing Department

[Evil's Outbox @EvilsOutbox]

@Unapologx Amen