Excel at the Office

@ExcelATO

Provide expertise & timesaving hacks for MS Office, Excel, Word, PowerPoint, & other basic business skills. PM me for custom spreadsheets, design, & reports.

Joined February 2022

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NOBUNAGA🇯🇵🏯_夏樹蒼依

@japan_nobunaga

2 months ago

Dale said, "We're grilling Saturday. Swing by around three. Don't bring anything." Don't bring anything. I have received many impossible orders in my life. This was the cruelest. An empty hand at a feast is a blade in the host's back. I brought a melon. I wrapped it in cloth. I carried it with two hands through his gate at 2:58, dressed for a negotiation between clans. Dale was in flip flops and an apron that said KISS THE COOK. He looked at the melon, said "Ooh, fancy," and placed it in a green cooler that says MARINA on the side, although no one here owns a boat. My offering now rests among his provisions. Accepted. Equal among the beers. He said, "Make yourself at home." Four words. In my country, you can know a man forty years and never receive those four words. Dale issued me castle rights in the time it took him to flip a burger. I sat in a lawn chair with the posture of a man guarding a border. The chair sank slowly to the left. The chair yielded. I did not. A woman I had never met asked if I wanted cheese on mine. I said yes with the gravity of a man accepting a field promotion. She said, "Good choice, sweetie." Sweetie. I have been called many things. None were this dangerous to my composure. Then came the melon. A man named Craig attacked it with a dull knife, sawing like a prisoner going through a wall. The melon suffered. The table suffered. I could not watch. I stood. I said, "Allow me." I do not remember deciding to say it. My ancestors said it through me. One breath. Twelve strokes. Twelve equal pieces, standing in formation. Silence. Then a child whispered, "Do it again," which is not possible with the same melon, and I respected her for asking anyway. Dale pointed at me with his spatula and yelled: "BLADE!" The yard yelled it back. Fourteen adults, one word. I had done nothing worthy of a war name. I received one anyway. Somewhere between the cooler and the fence, my old name quietly retired. By July I had my own chair. No one announced it was mine. It faced the grill. It sank to the left. Anyone else who sat in it was told, "That's Blade's." The neighbor across the fence, whom I have never formally met, raises his beer to me over the hedge. At the grocery store, a man I do not know nodded at the watermelons and said, "Big weekend, Blade?" A title travels farther than the man. Mine now shops without me. Eleven Saturdays. I learned nothing about football. I cut everything they put in front of me. Pineapple. Brisket. A birthday cake, once, which I divided into portions so equal that a woman took a photo "for her sister." In late August, hard news came from home. The kind that empties a week. I missed a Saturday. I told no one why. Sunday morning, my phone lit up. Dale. "Labor Day. Three o'clock. Big one this year. Bring the knife." No questions. Americans do not knock on the wound. They tell you what to carry and when to arrive. I went. My chair was where it had always been, sinking, mine. The cooler still said MARINA. The child was taller. On the table sat the largest melon I have ever seen. The yard went quiet the way a dojo goes quiet, if a dojo smelled like lighter fluid and had a dog in it. Dale said, "You're up, Blade." And I understood, in the way you understand a thing you will never say out loud, that no one in this yard had ever waited to see if I deserved the name, because that is not how it is done here, they hand you the name first, and the chair, and the knife, and then they spend the whole summer acting like you had them all along. I rolled up my sleeves. I drew the knife.

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