Fatherhood Lessons

One girl. One boy. One divorced father who has no clue. Fatherhood Lessons of the Day

[Fatherhood Lessons @FHLOTD]

Kids will do ANYTHING to get out of doing chores. I sent the boys to clean their room. Not even 5 minutes later, I hear yelling and fighting.

Me: “What the hell is going on in there???”

Ethan: “Marcus is twerking instead of helping!”

I'm at a loss for words.

[Fatherhood Lessons @FHLOTD]

Whoever gets that message is going to think they hear a confused man in a war zone who is on the verge of losing his temper. And maybe some yelling as the phone gets hung up. #FHLOTD

[Fatherhood Lessons @FHLOTD]

My son stomps out to grab a chair and proceeds to drag it back to the room louder than the scene in #MenInBlack where #WillSmith drags a metal table across a quiet room. (Cont') #FHLOTD

[Fatherhood Lessons @FHLOTD]

I had to make an important phone call, ended up with their voice mail.

"....please leave a message after the beep. Beep."

The SECOND i start talking, the bedroom door burst open. The sounds of gunfire, explosions and arguing spill out of the room. (Cont') #FHLOTD

[Fatherhood Lessons @FHLOTD]

Don't even try to use the phone.

I could be alone in an isolation tank, in a ghost town, on a deserted island. But the second I reach for my phone, my kids will appear and start making ungodly amounts of noise. (Cont') #FHLOTD

[Fatherhood Lessons @FHLOTD]

Wake Up! #FHLOTD https://t.co/wwUPmMifcm via @YouTube

[Fatherhood Lessons @FHLOTD]

Economics lessons!

My daughter is playing #AnimalCrossingNewHorizions with my son and my girlfriend's son.

She catches a tadpole that's worth 80 bells. The boys see it and both want it. So she has an auction. She sells it for 20,000 bells.

I see a bright future for this kid.

[Fatherhood Lessons @FHLOTD]

They are ALWAYS listening.

I'm discussing all the upcoming birthdays with my girlfriend.

Jessica: "So how old are you gonna be?"

Me: "43. I'm..."

Before I can even finish talking, Keira yells through a closed door, "Old man!!!"

The ears on this kid. The disrespect. Ugh

[Fatherhood Lessons @FHLOTD]

Your kids will disappoint you in the worst ways.

My daughter just pronounced GIF as jif.

It started a fight.

Somebody come get her. She's about to be disowned. #FHLOTD

[Fatherhood Lessons @FHLOTD]

Never miss a chance to mess with people.

My daughter ran out of hair gel. I went to the store for more.

The lady at the checkout looked at the gel, then looked up at me, my bald head, and arched an eyebrow.

I just smiled at her and paid.

Oh, to be in her head right now...

[Fatherhood Lessons @FHLOTD]

Stay safe.

If your kids had a lot if beans with dinner and are having a sleepover, touch the doorknob and listen closely before opening it. If the door is hot, or you hear farts or giggling, whatever you needed to say can be said through the door or can wait.

For your own sake

[Fatherhood Lessons @FHLOTD]

"Then don't wipe your nose with your hand, boy! Use a tissue!"

....sigh...Three weeks.....three whole weeks of winter break. I just need to survive until Monday... #FHLOTD

[Fatherhood Lessons @FHLOTD]

Boys...sigh...

I'm sitting here working and my son is eating his lunch.

"Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Have you ever got snot on your forehead?"

"No! Why would you have snot on your forehead???"

"Sometimes when I wipe my nose with my hand, I get some on my forehead." (cont') #FHLOTD

[Fatherhood Lessons @FHLOTD]

Kids are innocent.

We're working on cleaning the apartment this morning with @PostMalone playing in the background. There's a lyric that says something about DM's.

Keira: "DM's? He plays D&D???" #FHLOTD #parenting #kids

[Fatherhood Lessons @FHLOTD]

Fatherhood Lesson of the Day: My kids finished #StrangerThings today. Now I have a new way to torment them: Singing the #neverendingstory theme.

Mwahahaha!!!!

"Tuuuuurn around!"

"Dad! No!"

"Look at what you SEEEEeeeeeEEEEEeeeeeeeEEEeeee!!!!"

"AAAAAAAAARRRGGGGG!!!!!" #FHLOTD

[Fatherhood Lessons @FHLOTD]

Kids notice everything

Marcus: Daddy you have a lot of friends

Me: I try to be nice to people.

Marcus: But you're so grumpy all the time.

Listen here, you little.... #FHLOTD

[Fatherhood Lessons @FHLOTD]

Children age you.

I just went to grocery without the kids. One of the checkers just asked me how my grandkids were doing.

Damn, I know I've been stressed lately, but am I looking that rough? #FHLOTD

[Dads4LifeUK @Dads4LifeUK]

Dad: Called GP surgery this morning to check children’s vaccinations are upto date having read article on anti-vax.

Receptionist: Ok - has mum asked you to double check?

Dad: No, I’m capable of thinking for myself & prioritising my children’s best interests.
#fatherhood 🤦🏼‍♂️ #Dad

[Fatherhood Lessons @FHLOTD]

Children age you.

I just went to grocery without the kids. One of the checkers just asked me how my grandkids were doing.

Damn, I know I've been stressed lately, but am I looking that rough?

[Fatherhood Lessons @FHLOTD]

"Daddy," he whispers

"What's up, son?"

"How do you make babies?"

Shit.

I thought I had another year or two. #FHLOTD