Deflowerer

College student, dog lover, Tumblrite, and awkward geek.

[Deflowerer @FIorenceKim]

Only death will keep me from pursuing you. Or bacon. Or macarons. Or puppies... Hold on; I have a list.

[Deflowerer @FIorenceKim]

Therapist: If your ex-boyfriend were here, what would you say to him?
Me: I thought you were dead. I made sure of it...

[Deflowerer @FIorenceKim]

Is that a banana in your pocket or are you just...? Oh, that's a banana. Sir, I'm the head of security; you're coming with me.

[Deflowerer @FIorenceKim]

Homeless: Thank you so much. God bless you.
Me: You're very welcome. I know what it feels like to be sober.

[Deflowerer @FIorenceKim]

Having children will bring you closer to your spouse... Because you will have common enemies.

[Deflowerer @FIorenceKim]

Which dumbass named it "Airport Facilities Maintenance" instead of "Hangar Management?"

[Deflowerer @FIorenceKim]

Fuck being "COOL." If you're a damn grown-up, be YOU.

[Deflowerer @FIorenceKim]

"Really? A SALAD?"
-Julius Ceasar

[Deflowerer @FIorenceKim]

Pizza delivery boy said "See you tomorrow!" Again.

[Deflowerer @FIorenceKim]

Guys call me ugly until they find out my income, then call me ugly and poor.

[Deflowerer @FIorenceKim]

History is awful. I'd rather teach my kids the Star Wars timeline and call it a day.

[Deflowerer @FIorenceKim]

An hour ago, some guy said "Bless you" after I coughed... And I'm still wondering if I should've corrected him instead of thanking him...

[Deflowerer @FIorenceKim]

Me: Who ate my cake!?
Brother: Ninja, probably.
Me: There's no ninja here.
Brother: No one ever sees them.
Me: I'M GONNA KILL YOU.

[Deflowerer @FIorenceKim]

Him: I'd like onions on my pizza. And sausage.
Me: Nice.
Him: And chicken.
Me: Yes...
Him: Oh, and anchovies.
Me: This guy is dead to me.

[Deflowerer @FIorenceKim]

This guy on Tinder texted "I want to kick your puppy." I'm not sure if he wants to lick my pussy or really kick my puppy...

[Deflowerer @FIorenceKim]

Interviewer: Please describe yourself in one word.
Me: No.

[Deflowerer @FIorenceKim]

Did you feel that? I made you my boyfriend using my head.

No pun intended.

[Deflowerer @FIorenceKim]

You're all invited to my party! The theme is homeless people, so there won't be any food served.

[Deflowerer @FIorenceKim]

"Why do we have a gazillion Instagram pictures of grandma?"
-my grandchildren, probably

[Deflowerer @FIorenceKim]

When I'm skinny, my mom goes "Jeez, do you want me to cook you something?" When I gain a few pounds, she still says the same thing...