Fading

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My mother was always kind and a major reason I lived on.
Although on bad days even she says if I don't "leave the past behind and get strong" I shouldn't expect her to feed my loser self.
Funnily enough that happened when we were returning from pilgrimage to a Goddess temple.
My father never gave a fuck about me.
My grandmother hated my mother and her hated for my mother transferred to but I loved her till the end. God knows.
Same happened with my father.
His hatred for my mother turned into hatred for me.
Although I can definitely vouch for my mother being a kind soul. Wedded into a wretched family.
I've lost almost everything.
Even the Gods.
I've always had this expectation that I knew before hand what I was gonna lose.
Now all that left in my life is my mother.
Only family I have left.
Only thing truly worth losing I have left and I dunno.
Maybe I'd lose her too. Not impossible honestly.
I even started to hate the Gods at one point but I realised quick how futile it is.
Do I worship them with same ferocity as before?
Not by long shot.
No...I just see them as spectators.
They're like a natural disaster who can take anything from me anyday and it wouldn't mean a thing to literally anyone. Not even me at this point.
But we move.
As one of my fav song says
"The chemicals will bring you home again".
Home....I dunno but the meds, chemicals do reduce the pain.
Especially with my excruciating migraine which a whole another story. Lmao
Well I hope I entertained a few with my loser life. 🤪🙏

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My father convinced the hospital to not tell police of my suicide attempt as he was familiar with doctors there. Save honour and all that.
Mocked me for years saying at age my age people are soldiers why am I a coward?
Called my depression "vitamin D deficiency" right in front of my psychiatrist.
I attempted suicide in class 11. I was away from school for long. Drank poison. Had stomach pumped.
I survived. Lived on as if nothing happened.
Did 12th good, got good college but the demons caught up. They were growing all these years from 2015 to 2018.
I lost a lot in 2018.
But I finally decided to get better. Started graduation.
Anyways COVID also happened it made my already mentally ill self way worse. Especially my OCD.
I had been on psychiatric meds since 2019 proper. They seemed to work but COVID halted it all. I restarted in 21 but this time they backfired.
Finally got a doctor in 23 which helped me.
Really help me get better.
I lost a lot.
All my friends and relatives.
Most of all I lost my self respect and health.
10 years later I have no idea I am still here.
Especially after devastating personal family loss of life in April itself.
Maybe Gods wanted to one final nail in my heart.
Unfortunately for them meds made me withstand a lot.
Am I now numb or indifferent emotionally?
No. But I dunno.
I guess I am what I am.
Recently a Jyotish Priest told me you should live so that your children may not have the pain I did.
Hmm
Anyways...now I just take it day by day.
I've seen darkest depths of personal hell and also of familial hell. Obviously they're related.
Also back in my extreme depression days I had this weird ocd about future. Like I knew what was coming like some demon was whispering my downfall in my ear.
Recently being less spiritual and all.
I don't think like that.
Maybe it's the meds. Nah it's definitely the meds.
They've made me.....saner.
Kinda numb but ok.
Ok.

[Mujahid Of Maitreya🕉️ @DiaryOfNoir]

Still remember few years back,when I said I am getting suicidal thoughts to my older brother he said why are you not dying?
Or when my mother said she wish I was never born or when my father he will be very happy if I die.

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@yetiofkailash Home xir

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Momo
Dosa
Dabeli
Vada Pav
Misal Pav

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@Darth_Yeager

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@doom_stellar Greatest stealth gameplay ever in a video game

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@Darth_Yeager Vaad vivaad se nhi darte
Staya hi Jeevan hai

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@indblackpill

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@NormieBihariOG Oh yea

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Remember when this was North Indian wedding anthem?
Braaazillll
🥴🤪
https://t.co/prgfWu5QUo

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@DronMAcharya I pray 4 u my brother

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@NormieBihariOG Naah woh ni suna kisi saadi me
Internet pe hi suna ya fir ad me tv pe

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@TheNavroopSingh The weak and submissive get bullied
Nature
Cruel

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@NoContxtChelsea I cried a little if this is true

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@NormieBihariOG LA LALALALALLALA
Braaazillll

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@indblackpill "Good" momo don't exist xir 🙂

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@RedAll2Well @AgentSaffron Times are changing with English

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@SURESHSAKARAYAP @AgentSaffron I am not Tamil and I know of him and see Tamil Nadu's economic news.
I was born in Haryana and now live in Punjab.
I've never been south of Delhi.
Like.... literally

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@yetiofkailash Wayyy North nice

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@Worlddommagadh @TheNavroopSingh Pray 🙏

[Navroop Singh @TheNavroopSingh]

This is the CCP Model where the Chairman decides who heads which company and invests where. Trump is starting to mirror Xi Jinping